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Okwaho
Pathfinder

USA

Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
December 24 2004

Status: offline

Posted - January 01 2005 : 5:15:33 PM

Post subject: Goat & Cattle Farm Humor

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It amazes me each year of how many people purchase livestock from the farm and then email or call because their animals are performing "inconvenient behavior." So, I just had to get this out of my system! For all farmers, enjoy............feel free to add to it!
Happy New Year, All!

Dear all Goats & Cattle:

I have just learned that there is a law of convenience in the land that I was never aware of. Therefore, the following rules will now apply on the Chefwin farm:

1. Births will only occur during the hours of 8am and 5pm, Monday through Friday. No births will take place during holidays, weekends or after hours.

2. No births will take place during lightening storms, freezing rain or on hilltops farthest from the barn.

3. If you do not receive this memo in time, be sure you have a perfectly normal birth as backwards, upside down and breech births are no longer acceptable.

4. All female goats will immediately relax on the milking stand so that milking time can be cut down to a minimum! There will be no more "holding your milk" because you are not in a GOOD MOOD that day!

4. Illnesses will immediately stop or will be coordinated 4 weeks in advance so that a veterinarian will be available.

5. All livestock will poo-poo in one corner of the field only so that compost collection is easier on me.

6. All bucks and bulls will refrain from screaming at females in heat at 3am. You can WAIT!

7. All breedings will occur within 15 seconds of entering the female's pen so that I don't have to wait all day watching your antics. I have other things to do.

8. No fence line will be broken by any livestock without prior consent. Please submit a drawing of the section you wish to destroy within 2 weeks of doing so, so that I can mark it on the calendar. If this is not followed, you will end up in the freezer. Upon breakage of the fenceline, all livestock will remain inside their pens as visitation of other fields is unacceptable.

This memo will be added to and revised without notice in the future.
Okwaho

C. Patton
I got this off the Frontier Folk board,posted by C. Patton,{no relation}
Tom Patton
_________________

It's great to be an Indian ally of the French.

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Wilderness Woman
Watcher of the Wood

USA

Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
November 27 2002

Status: offline

Donating Member

Posted - January 01 2005 : 7:14:34 PM

Having lived on a homestead/farm for 8 years in the 80s and raised both goats and milk cows, I can certainly appreciate this! One doe I had was horrible about letting down her milk for me. But let a neighbor man come over to milk her... no problemo! Down it came in one fell swoosh!

As for poo-pooing in one corner, I have the perfect solution. Pigs. Yep, they do... er... doo-doo in one place. Very handy for clean-up. Break out of the pasture and head down the road to the neighbor's farm? Call 'em! They come running home with ears flapping wildly. Birthing problems? Not pigs. They shoot 'em out like mini-cannonballs.

Love pigs!

"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been."

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Okwaho
Pathfinder

USA

Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
December 24 2004

Status: offline

Posted - January 01 2005 : 8:08:44 PM

Pig,n.An animal {Porcus omnivorous}closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which,however,is inferior in scope,for it sticks at pig.

Piety,n.Reverence for the Supreme Being,based upon His supposed resemblance to man.
The pig is taught by sermons and epistles
to think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.
Judibras
Both from "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce {1842-1913?}

"All animals are created equal but pigs are created more equal"
"Animal Farm" by George Orwell

Up North in Yankeeland there are hogs.
Down South we have hawgs.
Tom Patton

It's great to be an Indian ally of the French.

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ccorner
Pathfinder

USA

Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
February 05 2003

Status: offline

Posted - January 01 2005 : 11:37:54 PM

What a wonderful topic! I never lived on a farm but a story does come to mind about goats... My husband was about 3 or 4 years old when his uncle put him astride a goat. The picture I get was he was on a bucking bronco hitting the dirt so very hard. The most memorable part of it was his uncle Leo laughing his heart out.

Yee Ha!

Carol

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richfed
Sachem

USA

Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 13 2002

Status: offline

Administrator

Posted - January 02 2005 : 07:31:57 AM

I used to have a small herd of dairy goats up on East Mountain in NY ... The running joke about town was that whenever they saw me pull up in my car, they all immediately began to back up ...

Sorry!

My favorite doe was a Toggenberg named Daisy ... she was a great milker & would "kiss" me as I milked her. Nothing like a warm "teat" in my hands out in the sub-zero cold of a NY early morning. I also had an Alpine, or two ... and Nubians.

After moving to NC, I raised pigs for a spell ... 'tis true ... they poop in one area! Ah, that bacon!

At one time, I had a trio of hogs, maybe 50 chickens, a crazy cow, a few goats, rabbits, a couple of cats, and a dog.

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Wilderness Woman
Watcher of the Wood

USA

Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
November 27 2002

Status: offline

Donating Member

Posted - January 02 2005 : 12:11:37 PM

Why Rich! I don't recall reading that you had farm animals! Cool!

My goats were all Nubians. Love those ears! We had a registered Nubian buck, so provided breeding service. He was an interesting one. No horns, having been burned off when he was a kid, but he sure could swing that hard head of his around pretty fast. He got me in the thigh a number of times. Ouch! My does, though, were very sweet. Followed me around like little puppy dogs. Yeah, I remember the feel of those nice warm teats on frigid mornings. [Oh, geez... I can just here the comments from the guys on this one!

Now, now, gents... be careful here! This is a family board, remember! Seamus! Sit on those hands!]

Did you ever discover how much pigs love to have their bellies rubbed? I think I talked before about how they slowly sink to the ground as their legs buckle, grunting with pleasure. Rub a pig's belly and he's your friend for the rest of his life!

"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been."

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richfed
Sachem

USA

Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 13 2002

Status: offline

Administrator

Posted - January 03 2005 : 05:29:19 AM

Oh yeah, WW ... I was a real farmer! Very skilled.

That crazy cow? She used to hop fences all the time ... found her down at the Lake Lure golf course once.

A local once told me the best way to "catch" a cow was to make a lasso, lay it on the ground, put some feed in the center. When the cow dips its head to eat, gently pull the noose over its head. Voila! Caught cow!

Well, let me tell you ... worked like a charm! Only thing missing was that he forgot to tell me to tie the other end to a stout tree!

That darn cow bolted and, I swear, I was perpendicular to the ground! Slammed my shoulder into a ditch before I finally let go ... hands ripped raw from the rope violently sliding through. That was fun.

I much prefer goats.

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Fitz Williams
Colonial Militia