Three Little Piggies Threaten A Take Over Of Mohicanland

(MP Photo)

Surveillance photo taken by Magua of the Three Little Piggies during a recent clandestine meeting on the west coast. The suspects are engaging in some bizarre cannibalistic ritual. Authorities have not yet identified the fourth Little Piggie.

The MGPG editors, known only as C, C, and J, have masqueraded for quite some time as simple, LOTM loving, everyday Mohicanland citizens. On the surface, that is all they appeared to be, and their fellow LOTMers had no reason to believe there was anything sinister about them. Each would occasionally post what appeared to be LOTM related messages on the Mohican WWW Board, but were in reality, secret codes. Mohican Press has finally broken the MGPG code. The gig is up. We are now ready to expose these Three Little Piggies for what they really are; cold blooded, power hungry, sinister, irascible, deviant, wolfaphobic, sadistic, politically incorrect thugs.

Unbeknownst to the Mohicanland citizenry, C, C, and J had been secretly corresponding with each other, plotting a revolution in Mohicanland that would place them firmly in power. They covered their tracks well, and were never found posting in the same thread. There had previously been no connection made between the MGPG editors, nor was there anything to suggest they even knew one another until they made their first bold move. That was in February 1998, when an innocent, casual mention of a program guide for the Great Mohican Gathering was posted. The three terrorists, recognizing the opportunity, immediately seized control of the program guide idea, pretending their interest was merely to "do volunteer work." Nothing more has been heard about the program guide since its seizure by these three. That was the first clue something was amiss.

At this point, we decided to run a background check on these three terrors and sent our spy Magua to befriend them. What our Huron uncovered was shocking. C #1 claimed to be a caring nurse who came to Mohicanland because she "liked to help people". What we have since learned is that C #1 is really a jaded, Irish, carnivorous, demented, ski bum from Yangeese country who has been lurking around the Mohican Press web site since early summer 1997. Apparently, it was C #1's job to create a scandalous diversion in Mohicanland by sending an anonymous interview with LOTM's Uncas; an interview that was designed to ignite an intra-Mohicanland war. Much to our dismay, C #1 was successful in her mission. This alleged nurse, after having planted the seeds of dissension, mistrust, and hate, next subtly introduced the idea of a Billy roast for the Great Mohican Gathering. She proffered herself as a credible "meal planner" by offering marinade recipes. She then stepped back and waited for C #2 to make her move.

C #2 also claimed to be a nurse, which should have been an early warning sign, but unfortunately, no light bulbs went off. Her friendly nurse cover was further developed through the dubious claim to be a relative of Daniel Boone, a ploy designed to give the appearance that she was a Can-tuc-kee friendly. We have since learned that C #2 is actually an exile, also from Yangeese country, who was banished to Siberian Alaska after being linked to a series of arsons at isolated cabins throughout the Catskill Mountain region. In our investigation, we uncovered evidence that she had been seen fraternizing with the French and torturing cats. There have been rumors in Sleepy Hollow that C #2 is also a stalker, but Mohican Press has not been able to confirm that. Many readers will remember the GGGG/SYMT War that flared up in December of 1997. We went back and reviewed the posts, tracking their origins. What we discovered was that C #2 had cunningly put forth the question of age, framed as an innocent query, which sparked the hostilities and factions that burst upon Mohicanland. It was also C #2 that put forth the suggestion that LOTM stars be invited to the Great Mohican Gathering. That seemingly innocuous post was actually a subliminal message and there is now reason to believe that C #2 has been trained in mind control techniques. We have learned from an anonymous source that she has been keeping a journal of the factional disputes and is writing a report on the "progress" of her mission.

The third conspirator is J. To derail any possible suspicions, J did not claim to be a caring nurse, but instead refused to reveal anything about herself at all. Her modus operandi was to always post last, acting as a "clean-up man". This "J come lately" pattern struck us as odd so we had Magua check her out. Apparently, J has been using the cover of a Pilgrim descendant, intending to paint herself as Mohican as apple pie. Massachusetts authorities are looking into the possibility that J killed the real Pilgrim descendant, who has curiously turned up missing. J's phony persona is that of a quiet, supportive, den mother type GGGG who just adores the citizens of Mohicanland. She claims to enjoy hiking, fishing, hunting, and small children. She allegedly has a "J's LOTM husband" who has yet to identify himself by name, though he has posted on the Mohican WWW Board on several occasions. What we uncovered in our investigation is that J, when she's not plotting overthrows, is really a pipe bomb designer for high paying terrorists groups. As far as we can determine, J's mission was to divert any suspicion of her fellow comrades by bringing up an imaginary horse whenever it appeared someone might be on to the conspiracy. J would reply to board messages by asking the whereabouts of this unseen horse, diverting the attention away from her cohorts and on the horse instead. We have reason to believe it was J who sent El Nino to wreak havoc in Mohicanland, apparently an attempt to break down the harmony between the citizens and instigate a class war between the haves and the have-nots. The El Nino assault is well documented. J is always subtle in her moves, yet she may prove to be the most explosive of the Three Little Piggies.

The Program Guide Plot was the first step in a much larger conspiracy according to authorities who have joined the ongoing investigation. Once the three terrors had seized control of the Great Mohican Gathering Program Guide, their next move was to launch a massive propaganda campaign by writing subversive ideas and censoring those who posed any threat to their plot to take over Mohicanland. The evidence gathered thus far supports these allegations. The three terrors never let on that they had any association or friendly relations until the Program Guide Plot. Suddenly, the startled people of Mohicanland were informed that C, C, and J would plan, write, and design the program guide, and they curtly refused all offers of assistance. The plan, of course, was to sabotage Mohican Press through this MGPG. The little piggie who we believe may be the ringleader, C #1, approached Mohican Press with a request that we write a "Mohican Genesis" for the Program Guide. Naturally, we agreed. They then inexplicably refused to accept the "Mohican Genesis" and began disputing the facts. We were stunned by the degree of their malice. It was at this point they changed their scheme from a covert operation to an outright rebellion. C #1 sent nasty e-mails with threatening attachments and thinly-veiled hints of blackmail. Incredibly, she started posting URLs to other sites, openly encouraging other Mohicaanites to engage in treason while clamoring about Mohican Press censorship. At the moment, Mohicanland is in a state of crisis.

In our earlier report, we revealed only what we believed to be essential facts concerning the MGPG editors. We withheld crucial, damaging information, believing the three little piggies would come forth with a confession. It's time the whole sordid story is told. Readers may be interested in learning that prior to running the original report, we contacted the suspects and attempted to engage them in some diplomacy. Taking them at their word, which proved to be an exercise in futility as their word is dirt, we put a temporary lid on the story. C #1, in her usual crude and deviant manner, sent more e-mails begging us to go easy on them, claiming that they were "misunderstood,"  had made some "terrible" mistakes, and would come forth on their own. This shameless plea turned out to be an ambush, for no sooner had we run the more favorable version of events, did both C #1 and J post bold, taunting dares in a scandalous attempt to portray Mohican Press as powerless, lame, soft-hearted, and foolish. They misrepresented Mohican Press as being weak, unable to govern Mohicanland.

Their quest for power knows no boundaries. The three little piggies seek absolute control of everything; the Program Guide, the roasting recipes, travel arrangements, the Gathering itinerary, the pink flamingos, the fetching pink bunny outfit, the campfire, the bunkhouse, and even the best seats in the theater for the LOTM showing. C #1 even tried to circumvent Mohican Press by searching telephone directories for the name and telephone number of the Marion theatre manager. Thank goodness she failed, or we'd all soon find ourselves crammed into the theater aisles, victims of spilled popcorn and jujube hits. And J has even manufactured some last minute "long lost sisters" that are allegedly accompanying her to the Gathering. Something is very wrong here. We caution all citizens of Mohicanland to open their eyes and see what the three little piggies are up to...... before it's too late.

{Editors' Note: We will continue to bring you any late breaking news on the Three Little Piggies Plot. If the authorities discover the identity of the fourth little piggie, we'll let our readers know immediately.}

Local Happenings

Mohicanland resident Mary had a visitor at her rest home on Saturday. Billy Boy arrived at 9:00 AM and spent the entire day learning about Mary's crayon therapy and tossing jujubes at other elderly residents. Mary wore her famous saran wrap outfit, with strategically placed wampum, and forest green stiletto heels. After a pleasant lunch of corn mush and prune juice, Mary and Billy Boy took an afternoon stroll down the rest home's handicapped persons' ramp, then back up again. Billy Boy said he was exhausted "from so much fun" and ended his visit at 5:00 PM. Mary made him promise to return next week to teach her the skills of long range spitting.

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The Mohicanland Welcoming Committee recently offered a warm welcome to several new immigrants to Mohicanland. The committee chairperson, Miss Marcia, held a lovely luncheon for the new citizens at her nursing home dining area. The room was nicely decorated with magnolia flowers, white wicker wheel chairs, and tacky southern style table linens. The luncheon menu included mint juleps, pecan pie, and fu-uuudge. Among the invited guests were the latest Mohicanland arrivals; She-who-tracks-La Longue Carabine, Magua's girlfriend Ros, Road Runner, Pot-Stirrer, Patrick-son-of-Billy, New Carol, Anne T., and Neuromancer (who used to be a Mohicanland resident, then he went away but happily has now returned). Miss Marcia gave a sappy speech about treaties and peace and followed up with a warm gesture of friendship by letting the guests take turns on her cherry red, super revved, shiny, motorized wheel chair. Everyone had a pleasant time, despite the unfortunate death of one elderly resident who was run down by Road Runner.

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Militia Blotter

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From the Editors' Desk

The Three Little Piggies present a perfect argument for bringing back death by fire. Not only were these three societal misfits engaged in a subversive plot to seize control of Mohicanland, thereby threatening the lives, sanity, and leisure time of LOTMers everywhere, they are simply vicious. We've heard a few misguided souls advocating rehabilitation for the Three Little Piggies. These sentimental fools don't get it. There are some criminally minded persons who are just plain rotten; evil from head to toe. The MGPR editors are just that type. They are beyond reform, incapable of rehabilitation. These vile, sorry excuses for humans will never change. To put it bluntly, why waste perfectly good wampum for the maintenance and care of those who were eager to destroy everything good and decent in Mohicanland.

There are also those silly idealists who are willing to excuse the criminal behavior of the Three Little Piggies on the basis of their childhoods. Give us a break! Let's look at the terrors' childhoods. Of the three, C #2 is the only one whose youthful years would even warrant this discussion. True, even we felt a slight tug at the old heart strings when we read of C #2's disturbing life. Yes, we know it's not easy growing up in the shadows of Rip Van Winkle, Ichabod Crane, Headless Horsemen, and Dutch sailors. These legendary figures overshadowed the accomplishments and existence of the young, impressionable C #2. Sure it's tough when no one notices you, remembers your name, or cares if you've eaten but only want to know the whereabouts of the merry band of dwarves that brew the finest beer in the Catskills. Okay, it's tough! But other children have survived the Sleepy Hollow scars. Other children have grown up to be nice boys and girls. Is it too much to expect the same from C #2? Is this a true victim of tragic circumstances? We don't think so.

And J? What's her excuse for turning out to be such a scoundrel? Her childhood was one of luxury. As an only child (which she was, despite the recent claim of having three sisters) of fur trade mogul, mega-billionaire Daddy Warbuckskin, J was a spoiled, self-focused, temperamental, Valley brat. Statements from girlhood acquaintances paint a picture of a tantrum throwing, pathological liar. J's goal in life seemed stable and simple enough; get whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it, no matter how she had to get it. It is this kind of thinking that has led to the decline of many a civilization. One is reminded of the crumbling Roman Empire, beset by moral decay, wracked with self-serving pleasurists, and void of any sense of justice. That is what J is all about. That is what J had planned for Mohicanland. Isn't it time this snippy, arrogant, deceitful, pilgrim killing brat was held accountable? Hasn't J's day of reckoning finally arrived?

Lastly, we have C #1. It's hard to know where to begin when one looks at the depravity of this woman's character. She was always a manipulator, an instigator, a devil. Even her own brother has signed a deposition listing C #1's lifelong habit of thievery, blackmail, lying, tobacco spitting, and unnatural thirst for power. She is foul mouthed and crass. We have no statements from childhood friends because C #1 had none that survived. According to traumatized residents of C #1's hometown, which is now the field study site for psychiatrists researching the effects of serial killers, she had earned a reputation as a neighborhood thug by the age of two. Apparently, C #1 has not changed. She was a bad seed then, she's a bad seed now. She's twisted, perverse, and devious. It's C #1 who recruited the other two little piggies to carry out her scheme. This is not a good candidate for reform. C #1 gives new meaning to the phrase "she-devil."

And what's with the pink flamingos? Has anyone noticed them? According to a report generated by the President's Panel on Rainbow People, pink flamingos are a commie sign. These pink chickens on a stick are a sure mark of our commie card carrying Stalinist piggie friends. Do we really want to have thugs like them running loose in Mohicanland? Of course we don't. Think of the children. What does society have to do then, to protect itself from the likes of these manic perpetrators? What should be done to ensure these terrors never victimize innocent people again? We at Mohican Press believe the answer is simple. They should be dragged out onto the commons, where a roaring fire has been prepared to receive their wicked flesh. Then, the three little power hungry decadent wenches should be bound tightly to a pole whilst the Mohicanland citizens pronounce public sentence.....