Breaking News: Special Issue

AWARDS, COMMUNITY MEETING, & BAWDY BEHAVIOR ROCK MOHICANLAND  - COURIER EDITORS FORCED BACK TO WORK

In what can only be described as historic events, several recent incidents have caused such a stir in Mohicanland the Courier Editors have been pressed back into service despite their long standing commitment to abandonment of the people's right to know.

Topping the list of news worthy news is the Courier's newest new look. According to the periodical's editors, the facelift came about following repeated taunts from disgruntled readers to 'drop the facade!' Due to the editors' sense of pity for stupid people, the Courier now has an "easy reader look that ought to appeal to Mohicanland's less literate citizens." When asked if further changes might be made to the periodical's format the editors said, "Yes, we're considering a racy series of woodcut funnies called 'Last of the Mohicanlanders, The Final Finale (?) Once More.'"

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In other news, a prestigious award has been bestowed upon Mohicanland's only true journal, The Courier. The 'Thomas Payne Foundation for Revolutionary Tall Tales' has honored the Courier Editors with its first award for Excellence in Yellow Journalism.  TPFFRTT spokesperson and award presenter, the ever huggy Huggy Merchant said, "The foundation's members believe the Courier has consistently shown its dedication to the art of telling tall tales for the sole purpose of stirring up trouble. We're impressed with the lack of fear or concern over mass hysteria caused by news, half-news, and scandals printed in the Courier. It's revolutionary and we like it." 

The Courier's PR/BS spokespersons, TGAT Lainey & Richfed accepted the "unusual looking" award during the recent Town Meeting at Lake Loo-ray where scores of beaten, bruised, drunk, hobbling, dehydrated, but happy en-campers had gathered to spit, cuss, fight, brag, drink, accost, steal, and other sundry fun stuff. Richfed had just begun a speech thanking "Cousin Eugenie and Your Father" when rude hecklers mercilessly interrupted, bringing Richfed to tears. One bad guy looking guy, identified only as "one called Magua," leapt up and yelled, "This is not the voice of wisdom! Slaves, dogs, thieves ... I spit on you!"  The outburst was followed by a brief scuffle, a loincloth scuffle, a round of Ping, and yet more heckling.  "That's about when that French Trader started speaking Huron," commented one disgusted woman identified as The French Trader's Wife. "It was awful! 'Hodie-Hota! Hodie-Hota! Daamiiiiit!' He was just a'yelling like a love sick old sow." 

After Richfed was quietly led away with a promise of wampum & brandy, TGAT Lainey took her place before the council fire, stared in bewilderment,  & real SUBTLE like said, "On behalf of the Courier, I'd like to say, why are we here, Huggy?" The ever snappy, thoughtful Huggy Merchant quickly handed the "unusual looking" award for Excellence In Yellow Journalism to TGAT Lainey and said, "It'll be alright, girl. Go with your shyster." The Dutch Trader promptly jumped to her feet and cried, "That's me!" The two were seen heading west to Can-Tiki.

The still ever snappy, thoughtful Huggy Merchant yelled, "Happy thoughts!" and tried to continue the ceremony but was again interrupted by hecklers. The MacWilliam boys were brandishing claymores, throwing two-day old squirrel stew,  & crying "Sedition!" Apparently, the kilted ones had hoped to win the coveted yellow journalism award for their own chronicles and accused the Courier Editors of bribery.  PR/BS spokespersons for the Courier denied the allegations, claiming the award was won purely on the journal's questionable merits but the MacWilliams persisted with protests of shenanigans, still swearing & cussing it was actually bought.  According to an anonymous member of the Thomas Payne Foundation for Revolutionary Tall Tales, a Mister Johnny Hancock, "They did offer 100 guineas for the award and we agreed. Oh, please don't print my name."

Whatever happened, if only one of them has lied, something of the other has too. We will find out. No matter what occurred, we will find out.

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COMMUNITY GATHERING LEADS TO LAWLESSNESS

Mohicanland's citizenry recently gathered for a town meeting along the quiet shores of Lake Loo-ray to talk, vote, eat, & drink amber colored liquids but found themselves  embroiled in controversies, scandals, and feuds. According to onlookers, the town meeting began peaceably but quickly turned violent over a disagreement on the nature of war.  Reportedly, there were some who believe war to be a feature of the Americas while another camp maintains it is the work of the Francais Trader. 

One battered tavern wench said, "Everythin' was fine 'til that Scotsman snapped, 'You there, what'd Munro tell ye? Firewater stays in the encampment." The Scotsman who started the trouble has not been identified but is rumored to be a member of the MacWilliam clan. The Francais Trader responded that he could take his madeira & brandy anywhere he liked cause he "don' call himself subject to much at all," then added, "Someday you & I are going to have a serious disagreement." Things were done but no one seemed scared. "The Scotsman was a'yellin, 'Pax aye! Ye die! Pax aye! Ye die!' Next thin' ye know, the whole clan was armed to the kilt! The Francais Trader then called on everyone who owed him for goods & told 'em they had to make good 'for him, for money,' and that's why they ought to join this fight." The Wah-tah-wah Warrioresses quickly jumped in for "the war games" because Commander Achillse never misses an opportunity for a "bloody scrimmage."

The ensuing "disagreement" escalated and the dead were whisked away to a nearby burial ground. It then spilled over to the Lake where the women were lounging and gossiping about each other's corsets.  "That upset Cousin Eugenie," said one colonial woman, "and she yelled, 'Stop! The women are tired!' The fighting only got worse." Another witness said several women at the camp started arguing straight away. "It was real ugly. The Yengeese Strumpet got into it with Mrs. O'Reilly and  said Lake Loo-ray didn't have a drop of real glimmerglass to it. She called it 'plain old colonial mud water.'  Then Mrs. O'Reilly dumped her wash bucket water over the Strumpet's head & called her a 'weh-ench.' A nasty hoo-haa-haa followed, with hair pulling, biting,  & scratching clearly the favored war tactics."

Bystanders standing by had differing accounts. "We were all hanging around the encampment, minding each other's business when that scout showed up and said, "Dawn. Green Knob. Be there." That irritated some of the colonials who then tried to organize a sleep-in. One of the anti-dawn treaders was intercepted while bearing a dispatch with precise directions to local trading shoppes. The unlucky courier, identified as Miss M Fetish, was reportedly bound to the whipping post & forced to write "I hate Hawkie" for two days and a bit. Authorities released Miss M Fetish early and fully armed, however, upon her sworn promise to not incite or rabble-rouse the citizens any further. When asked if he thought Miss M Fetish would honor the agreement, a militia spokesperson shook his head and said, "M will not honor the agreement. I fear ... having let her go, as I must, I will order to write the same M again." 

Things eventually calmed down once the citizenry was promised they'd be permitted to sack the French Trader's supply of Peach Wine & sing bawdy tunes around the encampment. Authorities estimate the majority of those present at Lake Loo-ray did, in the end, survive.

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LOCAL HAPPENINGS

Lady Ann hosted a lovely supper along the local horse trails Friday evening. According to the gracious hostess, "It was simply mahvelous! We had potluck, potluck, and more potluck. And even fried turkey." The invited guests appeared to be enjoying themselves, with many of the more daring types choosing to ride wild narragansets during a severe thunder storm. At one point, while Miss Alice Munro was riding along, a local settler jumped out from behind some trees and smacked her horse in the rear. "Why are you losing my horse, *ss?!" the terrified Miss Munro yelled. "Too easy to smack," replied the local, laughing hysterically. Neither the speeding narraganset nor the screaming Miss Munro were seen again.

During dinner, guests were treated to a magnificent performance of period music. When asked what 'period music' was, Lady Ann replied, "That means it will end at some point. Period." The potluck supper was called "scrumptious & delectable fare" & seemed to be thoroughly enjoyed. Most guests agreed potluck was their particular favorite with more potluck & more more potluck tied for seconds. The only discontent of the evening was served by Magua's Moll & Miss E Lainius, both of whom had spent the day running around and running around and, consequently, were late for potluck. When told they could have out-of-luck instead, the two suggested they "might rather make mince pie right now."

THE RETURN OF MAGUA'S MOLL MARKED BY MERRY MAYHEM

Magua's Moll has returned to Mohicanland after a lengthy stay among the Hurons and a short stay at Lady Ann's supper. During an impromptu homecoming party planned by Three Little Piggies' Productions, Magua's Moll began to cry.  Believing she was sad, someone offered her a hugger. "Get back, weh-ench!" snapped Mollie, as she threatened to cut out the heart of the huggy peddler. "I ain't no sap and I sure ain't no damn petunia." The guests were careful to show no emotion after that and the evening went along pretty well. Magua's Moll  was "very entertaining," said one elderly woman. "She showed us how to plan successful ambushes and roast our enemies on the run. I found it to be highly educational."  When asked how they got a volunteer roastee, the woman said, "We didn't. We jist picked the loudest snorer, blindfolded the old coot, and told him we found a cure." Another woman laughed and said, "We're all gonna sleep better tonight!"

The celebration continued with all sorts of fun & games. A midnight war party appeared to be the favorite event with captives & booties stashed all around Mohicanland. "It was a lot of fun," said one participant. "I got to tie up people and wear black paint." Another guest added, "The Huron Harpie sure does know how to have a good time. We played 'Pin The Stake On The Duncan' & we even went caving."

We're sure everyone joins us in wishing Magua's Moll a hearty success in her Huron hunting.

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CELEBRITIES ROAM MOHICANLAND

The colony was all abuzz last week over several celebrity sightings. According to town snoop  Miss Goody Tew Shoes, Nathaniel Poe's young cousin, Nathan James Fenimore Dean, was seen aimlessly running up and down Mohicanland's trails with his musket. "A rebel without a cause, I tell ya'," commented the lad's amused cousin. When told to get off the George Road and wash up for supper, the aimless lad fired grapeshot into the air and refused to obey, saying "There might be a war going on! How is it you are getting rest?" He then made a speech about independence and freedom. "The frontier's the only place for Poe people like me,"  said the hawkish dramatist, and he continued his wild roamings until his mother called out, "Nathan Jimmy Dean! You get down here this instant or I'll have you beaten in this fort!" 

Another well known character spotted by Miss Goody Tew Shoes was the inventor of the Morse Code, Mister Morse. When asked,  "Why are you here?," Mister Morse replied, "I heard tell there's a Mohicanlander  trying to compete with my invention inventory. Goes by the code name Gadget Girl." According to the snoopy snoop Goody, Mister Morse then handed her a coded message which said, "Have ...stop...you...stop...seen...stop...the...stop...red...stop...man?" When reading the message ...stop..., Gadget Girl laughed and said, "He's such a stuttering bloke .... stop. Ha ha ha ha!" She added she'd never let Mister Morse discover the secret of her "mistery glammy shammy thang, no matter how far, no matter how long he begged."

Michael Baby, who had a starring cameo appearance at a previous Mohicanland town meeting, was also seen strolling around Lake Loo-ray where he was adored, mobbed, and kissed by many admiring women. When told to back off and move along, several female fans attempted to position themselves in better positions by offering to "Baby sit." One particularly determined fanatic, Miss Mary Sweetsister, successfully connived her way into Michael Baby's inner circle by whipping out a lollipop and strategically placing herself beneath the wheels of Michael Baby's carriage. She was reportedly hired as the celebrity's entertainment specialist.

BUMPPO'S HIRES NEW COMEDIAN

The proprietor of Bumppo's Tavern, Mister Nathaniel Bumppo, has reportedly hired a stand up comedian from Lake Loo-ray named Mister Magooah. The acclaimed funny man "has been knocking them dead up and down the frontier," said Bumppo. Rumor has it even the French commander, the Marquis de Montcalm, is interested in hiring Mister Magooah as a weapon of war. Known for his entertaining "Bad Guy" skit, the Lake Loo-ray native is said to also be a talented impersonator of auctioneers, flying Alices, cinema critics, and Mohawks. Though the terms of enlistment have not been verified, there are reports Mister Bumppo has offered to pay Mister Magooah 500 English Pounds and an undisclosed sum of wampum & brandy for his comic services. The public can catch his act every Saturday night at Bumppo's and along the George Road when least expected.

MILITIA BLOTTER

Red the Tavern Wench has filed charges against Billy Rookie for assault. According to a militia spokesperson, the Tavern Wench was hurrying by with a tankard of ale when the resident gunmaker slapped her across the face. Startled and red faced, Red asked, "Whaddcha do that fer?" & was curtly told, "I was trying to get your attention. I'll have another Spruce Beer, please." The outraged wench poured the remaining ale over Rookie's brand new Cuoreur de Billay trapper shirt and told him to "take a riverwalk hike," which is considered to be a great insult around Mohicanland lately.  Mister Billay was horse-whipped and told to go in pax.

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Several Mohicanland residents were arrested & charged with lewd behavior this past weekend. Though the filthy pigs have not been identified, there are unverified reports the accused include four sisters, three clansmen, two merchant buds, and a parson in a pear tree. The latter is rumored to be Reverend Wheelock but the Courier Editors can not prove beyond a reasonable doubt this is true, and therefore,  caution the public about the dangers of a rush to judgment. All of the accused are being held at the makeshift court house where curiosity seekers might drop by for a firsthand look. According to a militia spokesperson, the "rabble rousers were all caught preaching the benefits of doing the 'wild thang' in the Blue Ridge Mountains." 

A protest march has been organized by several ladies from the Mohicanland Welcome Committee. "We will march & faint until Magistrate David Gamut agrees to hang 'em dead," said committee member, Miss Katie. "We are very upset over this and will demand justice. Incidentally, would ye care to purchase a raffle ticket for the hanging?" 

We will inform our readers of any developments or break-outs.

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The French Trader was arrested for thievery after being caught trying to smuggle illegal trade goods out of the colony. According to Militia authorities, the rogue Francais had stashed Chinese Tea & Swiss Chaw-co-lots in his haversack and was attempting to make ready his escape when a sharp-eyed noseybody identified as Dutchie ratted on him. When asked how it was she knew the haversack contents to be contraband, Dutchie said, "He stole them from me! I told him he'd pay." The French Trader was released after posting a hefty bribe on the makeshift courthouse guard who is identified as Soldier #2.

COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS

Miss Mary Long Carabine will be hosting another Frontier Women Coffee Klatch meeting next Wednesday afternoon & wishes to invite all bored cabin wives. "We'll be learning survival skills & submission techniques," said Mrs. Long Carabine. "Our guest was to be Miss Alice Munro but fortunately, she died in a training accident last week. We might invite her sister as a replacement but we'll have to consider that. She's such a wench." If you'd like to attend this important social, contact Miss Mary Long Carabine any time her husband is away.

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COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS

Miss Mary Long Carabine will be hosting another Frontier Women Coffee Klatch meeting next Wednesday afternoon & wishes to invite all bored cabin wives. "We'll be learning survival skills & submission techniques," said Mrs. Long Carabine. "Our guest was to be Miss Alice Munro but fortunately, she died in a training accident last week. We might invite her sister as a replacement but we'll have to consider that. She's such a wench." If you'd like to attend this important social, contact Miss Mary Long Carabine any time her husband is away.

WORDS OF WISDOM FOR THE WEEK: Never trust a guide who promises to lead you to safety in only two miles. He's lying. Two steps along the trail he'll be long gone ... and so will your wampum purse.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK:  What was it again? We'll ask you later.

NEXT ISSUE: A COURIER REVIVED