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Theresa
Bumppo's Tavern Proprietress
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 17 2002
Status: offline
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 Posted - June 05 2006 : 4:35:03 PM
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Not sure if any of you will venture this way during your summer travels but if you should, here are a few thangs you ought to know 'bout a some thangs: 
VISITOR'S GUIDE TO BIRMINGHAM (Alabama)
First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's
"Bur/min/ham". Driving Information: Burmin'ham has its
own version of traffic rules...
1. The truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a
4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes
after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything
have right-of-way anytime.)
2. To find anything in the city it is required that
you know where Malfunction Junction is...which is the
Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It is one
of only two "cloverleaf" formation interchanges in the
world. We invented it and only one other city was
stupid enough to implement it again - Atlanta- making
them dumber than we are.
3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 AM. The
evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 PM. Friday's
rush hour starts Thursday morning and runs thru
Saturday Noon. If the term "merging delays" is ever
used by the person reporting the traffic, even in
passing, call in to work and tell them that you will
be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you
are in your commute.
4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be
(at the very least) rear ended, cussed out, and
possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers
alike.
5. You must know that "I-459", "I-59", "I-20", and
"I-65" are the same road they just loop around the
city. We think this was a ploy to confuse outsiders
and discourage visitors after the War of Northern
Aggression.
6. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race
weekend before you get on any of these 'roads' to
travel somewhere. If it is a race weekend, stay home
or go to the races. You won't be going anywhere else
7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burmin'ham.
The barrels are moved around in the middle of the
night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.
8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer,
skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, potholes,
cats, armadillos, pieces of other cars, opossum, truck
tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or
vultures feeding on any of these items.
9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave
them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it
has been "accidentally activated".
10. The minimum acceptable speed on "I-65" (see item 5
above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered
downright sissy. This is Alabama's State Highway
Sponsored version of NASCAR. Especially during rush
hour (see item 3 above) when it's 85 and everyone in
the city is driving at once, bumper to bumper. If you
are in the left lane and only going 70 in a 55-65
zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be
"flipped a bird" accordingly.
11. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in
traffic who is applying make up, talking on a cell
phone, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and
maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush
hour traffic. If she is coming from North of
Burmin'ham she might be packing. If she is coming from
South of Burmin'ham she IS packing and is not afraid
to use it.
Weather Information:
1. If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next
weekend
2. If its 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then
watch out, Burmin'ham residents consider this
"demolition derby" day and will be all over the roads
(front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with
caution, as you could be their next target.
Seasonal Information:
1. If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is
Spring.
2. If you need to let the car "get some air" standing
next to it with the doors open for a minute before you
can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get
the air going, it is Summer.
3. If you are sweating even with the windows down,
drivi
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Theresa |
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richfed
Sachem
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 13 2002
Status: offline
Administrator |
Posted - June 06 2006 : 06:58:32 AM
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| Thanks for the laughs, Theresa ... Some good funnies in there! |
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Bookworm
Colonial Militia
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
February 10 2004
Status: offline
Donating Member |
Posted - June 06 2006 : 08:04:19 AM
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| Wonderful! Great writing, Theresa. Thanks for putting those hilarious observations down "on paper" for all of us to share. |
Bookworm
"I've gotten so fascinated with the eighteenth century, I'm going to stay there." -- David McCullough
"Nothing to it, brother." -- Barack Obama |
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Karen W
Colonial Settler
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
June 04 2002
Status: offline
Donating Member |
Posted - June 06 2006 : 09:10:03 AM
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That is too funny, Theresa! I don't think that Burmin'ham will be at the top of my travel plans. Just call me chicken!!
Karen
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Wilderness Woman
Watcher of the Wood
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
November 27 2002
Status: offline
Donating Member |
Posted - June 06 2006 : 09:22:00 AM
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 Those are so funny! |
"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been." |
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Theresa
Bumppo's Tavern Proprietress
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 17 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - June 06 2006 : 1:37:04 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Bookworm
Wonderful! Great writing, Theresa. Thanks for putting those hilarious observations down "on paper" for all of us to share.
Um....wish I could take credit. These were sent to me from someone who resides here...who probably got it from somebody else...etc. Sorry to hear you won't be makin' in southward, Karen. BUT...should you ever decide to take the risk, let me know.
Y'all come back to see us now...ya he-eah! |
Theresa |
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Karen W
Colonial Settler
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
June 04 2002
Status: offline
Donating Member |
Posted - June 06 2006 : 3:55:36 PM
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You'd be the first to know, Theresa! Maybe someday I'll get Jim farther south than Ocracoke Island. There are sure lots of other places I'd like to visit. Sure gonna miss you next week. Say hello your hubby for me.
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Theresa
Bumppo's Tavern Proprietress
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 17 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - June 06 2006 : 7:30:42 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Karen W
You'd be the first to know, Theresa! Maybe someday I'll get Jim farther south than Ocracoke Island. There are sure lots of other places I'd like to visit. Sure gonna miss you next week. Say hello your hubby for me.
Aww....I'm going to miss you, too...and everybody else. Y'all have a Great Gathering and report back when you can. And, should you ever make it this way perhaps we could find a way to visit Fort Toulouse. You'd like that...right, Fitz? |
Theresa |
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Carter
Colonial Militia
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
August 28 2003
Status: offline
Donating Member |
Posted - June 07 2006 : 10:50:46 AM
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| All of this is so true!!! I miss ole Bur-min-haaaam! |
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Fitzhugh Williams
Mohicanland Statesman
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
July 17 2005
Status: offline
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Posted - June 07 2006 : 4:06:06 PM
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quote:
You'd like that...right, Fitz?
I love that place, but I only manage to get there twice a year. If I lived in Birmingham I would go there for every garrison weekend. |
"Les deux pieds contre la muraille et la tete sous le robinet" |
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Theresa
Bumppo's Tavern Proprietress
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 17 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - June 19 2006 : 7:23:01 PM
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But wait!...there's more!...
20 Ways to Know if You're a True Alabamian...
1. You can properly pronounce Conecuh, Cahaba, Opelika, Sylacauga,
Oneonta, and Eufaula. ***Sylacauga is my hometown***
2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are
sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and
look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined
by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.
6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and
bait all in the same store.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Extended
Bed Crew Cab is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch Dressing.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to your friends.
19. You have used your heater and air-conditioner in the same day!
Finally:
You are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:
20. "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr Pepper."
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Theresa |
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Monadnock Guide
Council of Elders
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
March 14 2005
Status: offline
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Posted - June 19 2006 : 8:09:13 PM
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| Theresa, - you're not alone in folks measuring distance in driving or walking time. Frankly, planning just social events "around" the football season makes a great deal of sense. After all, let's not get carried away, first things first! ... Most importantly, we have a realtively "short summer", but it certainly does get "hot 'n humid" - I don't know how folks can live "down south". Especially where there's both heat & humidity, - would drive me out of my mind. Nothing like a big snow storm, - beautiful, and great snowshoeing afterwards! ... ;) |
you can keep "The Change" |
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Fitzhugh Williams
Mohicanland Statesman
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
July 17 2005
Status: offline
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Posted - June 20 2006 : 12:37:34 AM
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quote:
6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.
I went to a funeral just north of here where the casket piece was a cockpit with two fighting roosters made of flowers. Seems the deceased raised fighting cocks and his family thought it was appropriate. You should have seen the mourners! |
"Les deux pieds contre la muraille et la tete sous le robinet" |
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