| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| richfed |
Posted - July 25 2004 : 09:38:04 AM
Why would I even think of posting this here ... on the Mohican Board? Not sure why, exactly, but I suppose, at least in part, it's a way for me to seek some good out of a dismal situation. I never thought this could happen to me. Beware that you don't allow it to happen to you ...
To my children – Jesse, Adam, Christopher, Miriam, Elizabeth, Olivia, Daniel, Isabella, Michael, and Sophia [and to my first young grandchild, Victoria] ~
[Those of you who can read, please do. Read this to the young ones who can understand. Save it – please – so that those too young to understand can someday read it, as well.]
The world is a different place for me today than it once was. Life has lost its importance; its meaning. There is a void where once there was richness. Starkness where once a beautiful landscape lay.
Family is the most important gift God has bestowed upon us. Somehow, I managed to squander that gift. God gave me a beautiful and faithful wife. One who bore me 10 children – you – without uttering a complaint. I could not ask for a better companion nor a better family to raise than the one God gave to me.
Somehow, I became blinded to that gift. I allowed the little annoyances to overshadow the ultimate rewards presented at my feet. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of what was right before me. I cannot tell you why – perhaps the constant financial struggle; perhaps my own weakness – but I became aloof and desensitized to all the beauty and love that was placed into my life by the hand of God.
Now, it appears, it is gone.
This is the most tragic episode in my life and one for which I can blame no one but myself. That truth makes it all the harder to accept, no less to live with. I am left with emptiness and darkness. The people I love the most in all this world … are gone. The love and beauty and devotion are gone from my life.
I long for the days – now almost mirage-like – of a happy little family long ago. Some of you never experienced that. Life became too hard and complicated. There was a time long ago – maybe Jesse & Adam can remember; or Chris? - when life seemed whole. How could I lose this? Why could I not appreciate it all for what it was? How could I turn my back on your Mother – my Wife? On all of you? On those I hold most dear?
I can’t provide you – or myself – with suitable answers.
I am sorry for letting you down. I want each of you to know that I loved you all with all my heart – and that includes your Mom. Somehow, someway, somewhere along the path, I lost the ability to show that love. I would give anything for another chance to get it right. I miss you. I think of you. Everything reminds me, in some way, of you. There is no safe haven from the memories. No place I can go where I won’t long to be back home.
Today, I am in turmoil. I visit briefly and leaving rips the last remnants of life from me. Each day is filled with emptiness and remorse. Each day, a little more. Each day becomes a little harder.
I see the look of glee in the eyes of the little ones – Isabella, Michael, and Sophia – whenever I come over. Like little puppies – you were all like that at one time. How I miss that. There is nothing like it in this world. At the same time, I see the looks of confusion – maybe mistrust - in the eyes of you older ones. That hurts more than you will ever know.
I want to live with you all again. I am in pieces. A family all whole is the only way for me to be truly whole – as an individual – again. I cannot be happy like this. I miss you all. That doesn’t begin to express what I really feel. Life has no meaning without you. You are my life – the people I love the most. You are my world, and yet now I can only look at it from afar. I don’t know if you can imagine what that feels like.
I have failed. In my greatest God-given role and responsibility – Husband & Father – I have failed … miserably.
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| 11 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Jayne |
Posted - July 27 2004 : 11:55:36 AM
Rich, I've known people who have tried many therapists before finding the one that fits. So keep trying! I won't add anything else beyond the email I sent.
Wade, I admire you for your spirit that has carried you through such a tragic time in your young life. I also admire your dad who has obviously been strong and supportive through a time that must have really left him feeling devastated. When I lost my husband 9 yrs ago, I wasn't so strong and wasn't a very good support to my youngest son. Fortunately, we've gotten through some really tough times and I think are on the right track. You're an inspiration to all who face life's hard knocks and proof that they can be overcome! 
Jayne |
| Christina |
Posted - July 27 2004 : 11:03:27 AM
Rich,
you already received my private e-mail and I hope it conveyed my feelings of concern and worry for what you are going through. I have never been through your particular situation but have known many who have, and hope that you will eventually experience the healing and peace I have seen them eventually reach. You and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers, more than words in an e-mail can say.
Christina |
| Theresa |
Posted - July 26 2004 : 11:10:21 PM
Rich,
I've just read this post and am truly worried about you. I feel that I've not been the friend you have called on to talk to...please forgive me for that.
I hope you heard Wade...out of the mouths of babes, Rich.
I will be in touch with you very soon.
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| SgtMunro |
Posted - July 26 2004 : 7:54:05 PM
quote:
Rich said:I never thought this could happen to me. Beware that you don't allow it to happen to you ...
Too late for that, Sachem. It did happen to me, over a decade ago. You have my private e-mail (You're the site administrator, so you should...), so if you want to talk to someone who has a similar situation, call me. You will be relieved to know that every wound eventually heals.
P.S. Wade, once again you impress me with your conduct. You are truly an amazing young man who anyone would be proud to have as a son.
Your Most Humble Servant,
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| Bill R |
Posted - July 26 2004 : 4:28:47 PM
Wade, you are an extraordinary young man. Your post showed a compassion and maturity much beyond your years. As another said, your Dad must be very proud of you. And I am sure your love, compassion and maturity as well as your zest for life has helped not only yourself, but your family through a terrible time. God bless you, young man.
Rich, take heart. I know it's difficult, and often it's hard to believe that things will ever get better, or that you will ever feel less pain or hopelessness than you do at the moment - trite though it is, the saying is true......God never gives us more than we can handle. Things will get better, life will be a pleasure again, you will feel less pain and hopelessness and though your life has taken a painful turn, His road is ahead of you and He holds your hand on the journey as you need it. He has more plans for you. Take His hand and His love will carry you through to the places He has in mind for you yet to go.
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| securemann |
Posted - July 26 2004 : 10:16:51 AM
Rich and Wade, Joyce's post said it all. God Bless. |
| Wilderness Woman |
Posted - July 26 2004 : 09:53:23 AM
Wade,
That is one of the most emotionally moving things I have read in a long time. Your story has touched me deeply and made me cry. I know it could not have been easy for you to tell it. Thank you.
Your message is also one of hope, and one that we should all take to heart. Familial love and Spiritual love are so important in all of our lives. Rich, I hope that you will be able to see, in time, that your children still, and will always, love you. They may not ever completely understand what has happened, but the strong ties you have with them will not break.
Wade, you are a very special young man, and as several of us have said before, your father must be very proud of you. You have all come through a terrible tragedy, with your love in tact and your bonds to each other stronger than ever. And you realize how important those bonds are.
God Bless You and your Dad and brother!
Hugs from Joyce.
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| Dillon1836 |
Posted - July 26 2004 : 08:57:00 AM
Rich,
On September 22, 1998, just seven days before my 10th birthday,and six days after my mom and dad's 15th anniversary, my mother committed suicide. She had slipped into depression and alcoholism after her father, who treated her very badly as a girl, died in February of that year. Her mother had died in 1991 and ever since my mother lost all hope to live. She was a nurse, a real caring woman, and a mother of three children.
My point is that although this happened my family has gotten through every obstacle infront of us. My father managed to keep a roof over our head and food on the table . My family has a real closeness that I cherish and it keeps me moving on everyday. Rich, there will be obstacles, there will be the moments where you feel low, but there is always someone out there who loves you. The only thing you can do is keep on moving ahead and living life to it's fullest. I wish my mom didn't do what she did...but I know deep down she loved us. Love, my family, and just the enjoyment life brings me everyday is what keeps me moving forward and I hope it will do the same for you.
Your friend,
Wade Douglas Dillon |
| richfed |
Posted - July 26 2004 : 05:29:42 AM
The above letter was sent to my children a month or so ago. Right before the Gathering, I think.
Since that time, I've talked to everyone I can think of ... friends, neighbors, & countrymen ... a couple of Priests & a counselor, just for good measure.
Though there is much to be resolved ... sometimes I feel all talked out.
Each day ... one at a time ... a struggle anew.
Just to show you how my luck is ... This past Saturday, I went to my "therapist" in the AM. She decided she could no longer see me [first visit!] due to an ethical conflict of interest. I have that effect! Referred me elsewhere ...
Then, I went to Saturday Mass in the evening. As I received Communion, they ran out of wine!!!!
There's a message here somewhere, I suppose ... Rejected by a Counselor & God in the same day! |
| Wilderness Woman |
Posted - July 25 2004 : 8:22:38 PM
This is heartwrenching!
Rich, I am really concerned about you. Please! Do talk to Jim, as he asks! You need someone to talk things out with, and I know he would be a good listener. Please! |
| securemann |
Posted - July 25 2004 : 4:27:37 PM
Rich, e-mail me or something.Let's talk. We are old buddies and your post really hurt me.I didn't realize the severity of the situation.Let's talk,o.k.? |
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