Posted by Sheriff Twigg on March 01, 2000 at 12:14:16:
In Reply to: Re: Problems in the Corncrib posted by She Who Tracks La Longue Carabine on February 29, 2000 at 13:05:29:
:
: : : Miss Marcia,
: : : I hesitate to tell ye this, cause I don't want ye unnecessarily concerned, but the door to yer corncrib is shut tight and barred from the inside, and I couldn't get in to get any corn for the hens. There appears to be somethin' or someone movin' about in there, but it's too dark inside to see through the slats. And to add to the strangeness, there's a mighty strong smell o' polecat comin' from the crib. 'Pears ye might could have a family o' polecats taken the place over, but I can't figure how they could have barred the door. What do ye want me to do about it?
: : : She
: : *shrieeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!*
: : POLECATS!!????!! Oh, say it ain't so, She!! Polecats in my corncrib!! A fine state of affairs, I must say! And smart enough to bar the door, eh? But not smart enough to figger we'd sniff 'em out, I warrant! They'll not be expectin' to be discovered, so's it should be easy to take care of them. At least, easy for a smart, woods-savvy, gun-totin' gal like yourself. I say: SHOOT 'EM!! SHOOT EVER' LAST ONE OF 'EM!! Poke your gun through the slats of that corncrib and blast the varmints clean to Kingdom Come! Then, fer good measure, toss in some of this here Popeil's SkunkBeGone poison, and then TORCH the place!! ARRRRRRRGHHHH! Polecats!! Ruinin' my corn! Oh, I feel faint, I do! Where's my fan? Where's my smellin' salts??
: : ...Are they dead yet?? Well, what the heck are you just standin' there starin' at me for? Get on back down there & vaporize the lot of 'em, She! Hurry, hurry!!
: : Miss Marcia
: In faith, Miss Marcia, I do believe there's more goin' on in yer corncrib than just the settlin' in of a family o' polecats. Unbeknownst to me, Hector came up here, probably to offer his own apology to ye in his own doggy way, and gettin' up the courage to follow me out to the corncrib, he poked his nose in between the slats to do some sniffin' and appears to have got it bitten. So that might could mean there's polecats in there protecting a nest, but I never yet seed a polecat that could bar a door shut. I think me there's a different kinda skunk inhabitin' yer corncrib - one o' the two-legged sort.
: Then, as I was comin' back up to the house, dusk though it is, I coulda sworn I saw some movement in the woods back o' yer rose garden. And another shadow disappearin round the parlor corner of the house. I suspect we may have some Indian raid in the plannin'. I'm gonna help ye to shut and bar all yer windows and doors and get that old musket down from over the fireplace and prime and load it for ye. Then I'm gonna take myself off through the woods to the Sheriff's Department and bring Sheriff Twigg with some of his deputies out here to deal with the situation. I'll leave Hector blockaded in the house with ye to protect ye in the case any o' them varmints tries to rush the place, and I'll be back as quick as I can. Promise me ye'll not stick yer head out o' doors until I get back with help.
: She
Okay, men - er, men and She - let's get this show on the road. Uncle Wiscone and his brothers are outlyin' in the woods to see if they can pick up any Indian sign. She, you go stand behind that holly bush, where you can see what's goin' on here and signal to Uncle Wiscone to bring his warriors in if we need their help. Dweebie, you take the Boy Scouts (don't know why they call 'em "boys" - there's not a one of 'em under thirty!) and surround the corncrib on the right end and the back. I'll take the town militia here and cover the front and the left end. Among the eight of 'em, we got five fair muskets and three pitchforks, so that oughta keep the enemy contained if there's a rush made to break out. Quietly, now - quietly - - - all in position?
COME ON OUTTA MISS MARCIA'S CORNCRIB, WHOEVER YOU ARE! WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED. TRY FOR A BREAK, AND EITHER THE MILITIA'LL GET YOU, OR THE BOY SCOUTS'LL TIE YOU IN KNOTS, SO YOUR BEST BET IS TO SURRENDER PEACEFULLY AND LET US KNOW YOUR BUSINESS IN THESE PARTS!!
THIS IS SHERIFF TWIGG TALKIN'!