Re: Dear Doctor Mary ...

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: : : : Dear Doctor Mary,

: : : : 
: : : :  I discovered a photo of you accompanied by your personal ad in the latest issue of "Frontier S & M" where I read you were street walking right here in Mohicanland & were seeking a business manager. "Wanted: One Scarlet PIMPernickel Muffin to oversee financial matters of sucessful businesswoman." (I didn't actually READ S & M. I scanned it while waiting my turn at the New Northern Trading Post.)

: : : : 
: : : :  I'd like your professional advice on a delicate matter. A friend of mine, Mr. Hawkeye Poe, has recently discovered there are unauthorized images of him being posted on doors of Taverns & Bawdy Houses all over the colony. The image is of him having a "misstep" while visiting the nearby Hurons for a barbecue. Without going into embarrassing details, let me just say the image is a bit ... revealing. He's a tad disarrayed in the loincloth attire. Get it? 

: : : : Mr. Poe is a modest man. The thought of his compromising "situation" being publicized has so disturbed him he is considering joining the Wah-Tah-Wah Warrioresses disguised as a woman. I worry about him, Doctor Mary. What should I do to prevent this shocking exposure from spreading up & down the frontier? (I haven't even told him there are bootleg copies of this image showing up on Pin-Up Parchments ... creatively touched up by some amateur artist named Mary Long Carabine.) 

: : : : Sincerely,

: : : : Cousin Eugenie

: : : : PS  Please return my whip, wench.

: : : Dearest Cousin Eugenie,

: : : Doctor Mary is SHOCKED! SHOCKED! that such unspeakable filth
: : : is being disseminated throughout the colony! She has 
: : : personally visited each and every Tavern and Bawdy House
: : : from Ft. Edward to William Henry and examined all 
: : : pertinent, putrescent postings and heinous handbills.
: : : PS Will someone please explain to me what an "Elfin Orgy"
: : : is? And why should I bring my own toadstool??? I did
: : : find the offensive image in question, and brought it
: : : back to the Clinic to examine it more closely. Doctor
: : : Mary does all her best examining while lying prone on
: : : her pile of luxurious beaver pelts with the special
: : : "Magic Fingers" attachment. NOTE: Will someone out 
: : : there PLEASE get off the stick and invent batteries
: : : already??? 

: : : I'm sorry to disappoint you, CE, but while Mr. Poe's
: : : posture might be less than graceful, Doctor Mary finds
: : : nothing inherently offensive displayed...though she
: : : recommends a bikini wax. In fact, if Doctor Mary
: : : might be so bold, she thinks the shy but studly Mr. Poe
: : : is, to coin a phrase, "sitting on a gold mine." In
: : : her eternal quest to spread good health and fitness
: : : throughout Mohicanland, Doctor M would like to propose
: : : a starring role in a series of exercise videos called
: : : "Feeling Poe-ly...Sweatin' With The Hawk!" Do you think
: : : he would object to wearing a nice mesh sportscloth? 
: : : Doctor M would sew hate to see him break out in a 
: : : nasty rash! 

: : : Please contact Mr. Poe ASAP and we'll run it up the
: : : old flagpole and see who salutes! You will of course,
: : : Cousin Eugenie, receive a goodly finder's fee. Tell
: : : Mr. Poe not to be a-feared...Doctor M is tough but
: : : oh-so-gentle. You can reach me anytime via my mobile-
: : : Gnome. 

: : : Kissy! Kissy!

: : : Doctor M

: : : PS Whip? What whip???

: : It is a SAD state of affairs when a gnome has fallen SO low as to be beggared enough to have to subsist being a messenger for the likes of Doc Mary.  Which of my cousins has become so destitute that he has to embarrass himself with such a job?  Were one of gnomedom actually WILLING to work in such a job for such a wench, he would have to be defrocked and his red cap forever taken away.

: : GnomeDome

: Hey, I won him fair and square from Web in a strip poker
: game! And the little fellow was MORE than willing, I must
: say...Webbie was making him polish his shoe buckles and
: cut his toenails! He can't wear his pointy red hat in
: the house anyway -- it interferes when I want to rest my
: beer cans on the top of his widdle head while I'm working.

: Doc M


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