Posted by Kate on April 08, 1999 at 14:42:36:
My Dear Mr. Girty!
I am exceedingly sorry that I was forced to make such a public statement regarding the purloining of my favourite colourful quilt. However, sir, you left me no choice!! I simply cannot allow every Hawkeye, Uncas and Simon to access my establishment through my open fenestration!! (O.K.!! I can make one or two exceptions - but *definitely* no Simon Girty's!!).
I simply cannot allow every full/half Seneca renegade to rummage through my bed covers whenever he 'feels the need'! My coverings are sacrosanct!! Next thing, every gentleman in the settlement would require to use that most unconventional entrance, in their search for new bedding!! How would I explain *that* to the gentle womenfolk at Miss Marcia's tea party on Saturday! Talk about my reputation going before me - why, my reputation would be at the tea party *weeks* before I got there!!
As for actually removing said article - that kind of action simply cannot be tolerated, sir!! Before I knew it, you could be liberating the whole of my valuable stock, and passing it on to 'he-who-shall-not-be-named' up at the Trading Post for a long carabine, a war club, an earring which can be worn in either ear, and 3 wampum belts!! I know! I know! Fair exchange is no robbery!!
Nae, that action simply must be a one-off! Dirty Girty, your perfidy is absurdly ill done, to commit an *ill eagle* act against a new neighbour and before she has properly opened her drawers, (oops!) doors for business. 'Doors', I hear you cry! 'What need have I for doors when I can shimmy in your window!'
However, I am not altogether unsympathetic to your plight. I truly do understand the miseries of a worn wool trading post cover ('he-who-shall-not-be-named' should be ashamed of the standard of his goods!) Goodness knows I have been under one or two of them in my time!! Therefore, I am willing to consider payment by instalments - I shall expect to see you flitting in the shadows of my little shoppe at regular intervals!
However, I will not have you snooping around my stoop at night! If you get cold - use my Coop! and FYI, I do know the difference between *used* eagle feathers and chicken's clothes! The smell gives your little game away! Therefore, there must be no 'pawnee'ing me off with cheap poultry imitations!! *Used* eagle feathers is the price of the purloined quilt!!
My quilts stand for quality!! I shall let you into a little secret, Mr. Girty - I am a PROFESSIONAL! Bedding is what I do!! In other words, bedding is MY BUSINESS! And I must preserve my reputation for quality covering at all costs, sir!! (No one makes a finer cover than yours truly, sir!)
Therefore, I anticipate your acquiescence in this matter! Or I shall be forced to settle the matter through the ministrations of Marshall Art! And you know how rough *he* can be!!
Hoping to catch your distinctive aroma soon,
(and hoping to be slightly upwind at the time!)
I remain, most graciously,
Your unintentional benefactress,
Miss Katie (of Katie's Quilts - it always pays to advertise!)