Posted by Cuchulainn on March 16, 1999 at 20:36:23:
In Reply to: Wah-Ta Wah report to Captain Courier posted by Commander Achillse on March 16, 1999 at 16:27:58:
: Oh Captain, my Captain,
: In a flashing response to your urgent dispatch earlier this week on suspicious activity in the outskirts of Mohicanland, the Wah-Ta-Wah Warrioresses launched a full investigation of the aforementioned area. Come hell or high water, they solemnly swore, the truth is out there and we will unravel it. And so it was to be.
: Was there criminal activity? There was. Were there vile deeds done? There were. Lo and behold. The once peaceful and rustic region was covered in loud colours and flashing ad signs seducing people to "come and place your bets in the one and only official bingo and betting palace in the whole of Mohicanland. All bets placed here will affect all future gambling". Upon seeing this, the Mohicanland Traders flew into a rage and led an all out assault on the accursed establishment. The walls were brought down and the interior was pounded to dust. Then the evildoers were brought out, whipped, maimed and drowned, and subsequently treated to a serious warning never to get into this kind of mischief again, or they will suffer the consequences.
: The resulting chaos, smoke and charred ruins inspired the Dutch Trader to the following philosophical contemplation:
: "here today, gone tomorrow
: well off now and then it's sorrow
: Life's weird. Where's the booze?"
: We are still contemplating this.
: Though we are proud on a job well done, we fear that the usual suspects may have again managed to escape underground. We will remain vigilant.
: I am awaiting further instructions, my Captain, and would like to say to all Mohicanlanders: hey, hey, HEY PEOPLE! .... Let's be careful out there.
: Commander Achillse
Me dear commander and kindred soul,
Aye! As I was passing the site of the criminal activity, me hat blown off me head and was carried off like a banchee's due!
Well, 'tis was a fine hat me head lost, to be sure! So me mind was made up to fetch it back. I followed down the road aways and every time I reached for me hat, that devil of a wind would just whisk it away again. Now, I'm a right smart man, is I. I knew that wind was playing tricks so I started walking backwards, figuring to trick the devil wind to blow me hat back to me hands.
As I started on me way, sure as St. Peter, the hat was blowing back me way! Just as I was ready to pounce upon me own hat, I tripped on a liss and found meself tumbling downhill like a faery with no wings!
When I stopped tumbling I picked meself up, took a look around and nearly lost me breath! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! There before me eyes was a grand house with signs as bright as leprachauns' gold! I stood just a moment, wondering if St. Paddy himself would enter such a den of belly crawlers. Maybe no, but me throat was parched so I yanked up me trousers, put me best foot forward and
went straight away to the hall. I knocked, I did, and sure as St. Peter another sign popped up on the doorway demanding me name! Strange greeting, thought I, so I says politely, "A traveler. Would you have the kindness to offer me drink?" Aye, suddenly a voice calls out, "Hi stranger. Got any gold?" I nearly tumbled back up hill I was laughing so hard! Me?! Gold?!! "Gold, I've none," says I. Another sign popped up telling me weary feet to go two more leagues for better water! Ha ha! Water they thinks me thirst for? Aye.
Just at the moment, a cavalry of merchants came thundering down the hill and stormed the grand house as me eyes watched with disbelief. Even the leprachauns would think it a grand sight!
I tell you this, Lassie, as a warning. After the great burning of the golden house, me eyes saw your evildoers flee into the underground carrying a pot of gold. Me ears heard them too. They were muttering things about Mohicanland and setting traps.
That's when I heard the wee faeries whisper;
I see crimson,
I see red.
The harpy wenches
Wish thee dead.
Uch! Uch! Ochone!
I think they mean to do you harm, Lassie, so, hey, hey, HEY! Let's be careful out there, Lassie!
Cuchulainn