Re: Amendments to the Hoo-Haa House Rules......

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:  Well Gnomie, I wasn`t near as upset about the clout being all stretched as I was when I saw how outstretched the Dutch Trader`s neck was when I caught her sneaking a peek as I changed breechclouts that first morning!!!

: French Trader
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: : : Just thought I would let you know that at the recent meeting of the management of the House of Hoo-Haa...the following amendments were made to the client rules....

: : : Amendments to Rules 7A, 7C and 7F....Bathroom Etiquette

: : : Please DO check the cistern before flushing, we are likely to have an influx of smaller gnomes accompanying Billy Gnome, and bearing in mind their penchant for swimming in the cistern, it would be best to avoid another incident.  Astro Gnome and Gee Gnome have not yet recovered from their frightening experience with the plunger....

: : ARRRGGGGGHHHH!!  The PLUNGER!  Please, no NOT THE PLUNGER!!!!
: : And by all means, please do flush the cistern AFTER using....and please, please PLEASE check the cistern BEFORE using!  You never know what gnome's parade you might be raining on!

: 
: : : Ladyfolk are requested to keep their undergarments to themselves, and NOT to leave them drying on the various rails and brackets in the bathrooms.  We do not want a repeat performance of last year, when a trader war broke out after ONE of the traders (who shall remain nameless) discovered the weapons capability of a thongy thingy.  The management recognise the request of Mr GnomeDome to exclude plaid jammies from this amendment.  

: : If I had to surmise here.........and make a guess......would it be that Dutch Trader found French Trader's thongy thingie hanging out to dry and used it for a slingshot?  That's it, isn't it?  And French Trader was mightily put out because she had stretched it all outta shape?  Wouldn't contain the French royal scepter anymore?

: : Ladies, bear in mind that a gnome lives amongst you.  Now, you would NOT want a wee gnomie using your thongy thingies for a hammock would you?  Not a bad idea now that I think about it....sling the thingie between two little saplings and rock gently in the breeze while snoring fit to compete with the biggest human!  Ahhhhhh.........what a life!

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: : : Save Water...Bath With A Friend.  This rule should be amended to read - Save Water...Bath With A Consentual Friend.  That should speak for itself....and Miss Marcia....the management would like to apologise for the actions, once again, of the traders.  And we hope the traquilizers are working.

: : Any of you lovely females is more than welcome to join me in the cistern!  If you can fit in there!  All I ask is that nobody tries to turn it into a bubbling jacuzzi by flushing while we are in there relaxing.  And if invited into the shower with any of you ladies, please DO watch your step!  Don't squish me!  And please, hang onto the soap.  How would YOU like somebody to drop the equivalent of 10 slippery pounds on YOUR head from a great height!

: : 
: : : Amendments to Rules 8A, 8G and 8N - Bedroom Etiquette

: : : Guests are responsible for their own earplugs.  We are expecting world class snoring this year, and the management politely requests that all breakable items are placed at floor level before retiring, upto eight rooms from the epicentre.  The management cannot be held responsible for any injury caused as a direct or indirect result of snoring....this includes fights breaking out due to sleep deprivation.

: : YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  IT AIN'T NO JOKE!!!!

: 
: : : Would all occupants please remember that the sound of a deep voice shouting 'GNOME ON THE FLOOR' does not mean that Billy Gnome has tripped over and the gentlewomen should go rushing to his aid in various stages of undress.  It actually means the opposite....duck and cover, people.

: : 
: : NO NO NO!  She's got that wrong entirely!  It DOES mean the gnomie has tripped and fallen and needs immediate help without regard to state of dress or undress!  That's what she MEANT to say.  She just got it turned around a bit!

: 
: : : Please remember where your own bed is, and who, if anyone, you are sharing with.  Sheriff Benton (just call me Bent) Twigg only got away with it last year because he is sheriff.  There is plenty of room to go around, so there should be no need for a repeat of the Three In A Bag situation of last year.  However, should Cousin Eclair decide to put in a surprise appearance, the Dutch Trader and the Huggy Merchant should be prepared.

: : : Amendments to Rules 14A, 17C, 21G - General Etiquette

: : : The room is no smoking.  That means no smoking.  You want to smoke....do it outside.  If you want to find the Dutch Trader, the Huggy Merchant, the Yengeese Strumpet or Billy Gnome.....they will therefore be.....outside.

: : : The coffee pot belongs to the Huggy Merchant....unless you are refilling it....do not touch it.  She made be the sweetest, most delightful company with which you would ever decide to cohabit, but if you touch the coffee pot (particularly first thing in the morning), she will rip both your arms off and beat you to death with them.

: : The mushrooms belong to the gnome!  Likewise, tampering with them can result in dire consequences.  Excepting Huggy, who is welcome to them in trade for much needed go-juice in the morning.

: 
: : : Please hide your valuables....remember, the Dutch Trader is a guest and the Yengeese Strumpet has been known to use her womanly wiles to, shall we say, 'acquire' your stuff.  Tobacco, silver and chaw-co-lat are particularly at risk.

: : : 
: : : Thank you for your co-operation....should any of the newcomers be having a change of heart about sharing....TOUGH!  You are stuck with it!

: : : The Huggy Merchant, in association with the Yengeese Strumpet, looks forward to welcoming you to the House of Hoo-Haa.....

: : 
: : Thanks for the rules Huggy.  Sounds like it will be great fun.

: : GnomeDome


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