Posted by Sheriff Twigg on May 25, 2001 at 19:17:59:
In Reply to: Re: What A Revoltin' Development THIS Is! posted by Grapeshot Ramrod on May 25, 2001 at 07:36:05:
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: : : : *zzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip, zoooooooooooooooooommmmm*
: : : : Howdy, Mohicanland! It is I, Sassy Soothsayer, just taking a spin over our little community to see what-all's been goin' on during my absence. Taking Miss Marcia down to the Fat Farm (she don't like me callin' it that none, ya know!) for two weeks has left me sorely out of touch with my fellow citizens. I'll just take Ol' Purple down real close for a bit of a look-see, and find out what's what.
: : : : Great Goobley-Ooobeley! Wot's all this, then? Can that be Benton (Just Call Me Bent) Twigg I see down there acting the fool with that skinny corset model, Twiggy? What CAN that man be thinkin'? He has a perfectly wonderful woman already, or has he forgotten all those trips to Miss Marcia's Famous DownHome Kitchen for fuu-uuuuuudge??? Ain't that just like a man! Go away for a few days, tryin' to make yerself more pleasin' to the eye, and they up and find someone new to play big, strong hero for!! I'd best get on over to Miss Marcia's and put her wise to his philanderin' ways.....
: : : : *zzzooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom*
: : : : I'll just park right here under the spreading chestnut tree, and go break the news to Miss Marcia, gentle-like, of course. Wait a tick! NOW what's goin' on? Why are all those customers stomping off in snits and huffs, complainin' they can't get waited on in the DownHome Kitchen? Not like Miss Marcia to give poor service to her patrons. Oh, GEEEEEZE LEW-STEEENKING-WEEEEEEEZE!! Who in the world is that Handsome Stranger she's hanging all over? Lookit her! Simperin' an' gigglin' and acting like a NINNY! What's going on here??? I wonder if that's the new feller in town that Red's been eyeing...let's see... Rugged good looks, check. Tall & lean, check. Long, wavy CLEAN hair, check. I'd bet the farm (if'n I had one) that's the very same guy! Well, I can see HE'S gonna be trouble, if all the wimmen-folk around the village react like Red & Miss Marcia!
: : : : And speaking of Miss Marcia, again...it would appear from the way she's stuffin' her chipmunk cheeks in there that she has FALLEN OFF THE FUDGE PLATTER!! Obviously, our trip to that so-called "Spa" was a complete waste of time, not to mention that it gave that LOUT Benton Twigg a chance to two-time my own sweet, genteel, lady-like and RE-fined, though very full-figured, sister.
: : : : What a mess this all is! Why it's worse than "As the Stomach Turns," or "All My Mohicanland Children!" Why, why...it's so bad, I'm comparin' it to things that haven't even been INVENTED yet!!!
: : : : I'd best go home and cogitate a bit on what to do, here. I think this is going to call for a spell or six. Better get out the ol' cauldron and my herbs and potions. It's apparently up to me, Sassy Soothsayer, to save Mohicanland!
: : : : I'm off! (Don't say it!).......ziiiiiiiiiiiiip, zooooooooooooom!
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: : : Oh, Uncle Bent, your little Twiggy is a broken reed! I just heard from an IMPECCABLE source that my Promised Husband is playing the suitor to that Miss Marcia, and the word is that she is ENCOURAGING his attentions! Sighhhhhhhh . . . sob. . . sob. . . sob. Woe is me . . . I have been betreed by my only love. Whatever shall I do? And here I was just about to leaf for Albany to buy my trousseau! She thinks because she has the monopoly on good cooking around here, she can have any man she wants, but I'll show her. Just wait til I get my limbs around her ample trunk, and then she'll see who's wearing his ring! No, don't try to stop me - I won't rest until I weed out the truth!
: : : Willow Twigg
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: : Hmmmmmmmm. (stroking his chin and trying hard to focus on the jist of the problem) That little niece o' mine seems to have her hackles up over . . . over . . . over . . . WHAT? MISS MARCIA'S BEIN' COURTED BY ANOTHER MAN????????? Now just a hairy minute here, I think I got a problem. Since when has Miss Marcia cast those dreamy bedroom eyes and batted those long silky lashes at anyone but her faithful Bent Twigg? We've logged a good many years together, and just because we haven't tied the knot doesn't mean some sap can cut in on Sheriff Benton Twigg ! Willow is upset? WILLOW IS UPSET???? Mohicanland ain't seen nothin' yet!!! I'll just roll on over to Miss Marcia's cabin myself and set things straight right now!
: : Bent Twigg
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: *Chomp* *Munch* Well, Miss Marcia, I must say, you do know how to cook! This here Duff is some tasty vittles! And I must say, you sure are a fetchin' lassy too! *wink* Not like most o' the womenfolk back home in ol' Water Drop! You would'nt happen to be, say, betrothed or anythin' now.....*Crash* Well, my what is that crashin at the front door....somebody's just come in like hellfire itself.....Oh lord, it's the LAW!
: Grape
Well, howdy everybody. (casting a bright smile about the room) And, Miss Marcia - how pleasant to see your cheerful face again. My, you are lookin' a bit flushed of a sudden - always flatterin' to see how you color up when I drop in sudden like. I see your kitchen is flourishing as usual. Appears to be a few new folks here that I haven't met before. How's about introducing me to this young feller with his mouth hangin' open and his hairpiece on askew? Think I'll join you for coffee, mister, if you don't mind. Oops, careful there - just dropped all your food in your lap - nervous youngin', aren't you? Miss Marcia, if you'll bring us some coffee, I think this young man and I have some getting acquainted to do.
Why, say, if that isn't Twiggy comin' in the door! Just Old Home Week around here, isn't it? (guffaw, guffaw)
Bent Twigg