Posted by GnomeDome on January 24, 2001 at 10:22:42:
1. Don't forget nothing. Well, okay, so you are getting old. Try to remember. Well have somebody remind you then.
2. Have your red hat clean as a whistle, your mushroom knife scoured, 60 (or more) clods of dirt handy and be ready to skedaddle at a moment's notice. When you are on the prowl, act the way you would if you were sneaking up on Doc Mary. She her first.
3. Tell the truth about what you see or do. Unless you are stirring the pot. You can lie to humans all you want, but never lie to a fellow gnome.
4. Never take a chance you don't have to. If you don't HAVE to leave the tree stump then don't. Send Mrs Gnome for what you need.
5. When you are on the prowl, walk single file far enough apart so one broom can't whack two gnomes at the same time. If you strike swamps or soft ground go around or better yet go home. Gnomes can't swim. We don't have to sink very far before we are up to our eyes in it.
6. We move after dark, so as to give Doc Mary the least chance at us.
When we camp, half the party sleeps while the other half parties with the Red Haired Lady, the English Strumpet and other ladies of the night.
7. Don't bother to separate prisoners. We don't take prisoners. We don't care what they have to say. Besides, they are too friggin big to take as prisoners anyways.
8. Don't ever go back home to the tree stumps the same way. Take a different route back so you won't be ambushed by Doc Mary or one of her dim-witted Huron.
9. Every morning you will be told where to meet if surrounded by dim-witted Huron and you hear an evil woman cackling.
10. Don't sit to eat your mushrooms without posting a guard. Somebody might want your mushrooms. Especially if they are truffles.
Damn things cost an arm and a leg.
11. Don't sleep past dusk. Doc Mary and her Huron attack at dusk.
She sleeps all day too, as her night job wears her out. And when she does get up, around about dusk, she is cranky as all get out.
12. Don't cross a creek at a ford. Don't cross a creek at all. Believe me, not matter how shallow it looks, it is over OUR heads!
13. If you are being followed, circle around your own tracks and kick dirt at them.
14. Don't stand up when the enemy is aiming at you. Oh, wait. That's not a problem for us. Even when we are standing up, the grass is taller than we are.
15. Let Doc Mary come till she's almost close enough to touch (ugh!)
then let her have it with your clods of dirt, jump up and finish her off with your mushroom knife.
Gnome Dome says follow these rules and you will live to your expected
700 years of age.