Re: help me...but of course, Dear Doc!

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: Demented Doc M writes:
: : : I DEW hope you can help kindly old Doc M with some
: : : vexing household problems that she is unable to
: : : deal with...yes, she has, in the psychobabble
: : : phraseology of the day, CLEANING ISSUES!! 

: Well, Dear Doc, Heloise can see part of your problem right off the bat...no one, repeat, NO ONE, cleans TISSUES!!  Stop at once!  They are far too fragile to be cleaned or reused...eeeeew!  Just the thought gives poor Heloise the willies!  And further more, the whole purpose of tissues is that they are DISPOSABLE...meaning they don't NEED to be CLEANED, as one can use them, then toss them away, zip-zap!  You see, it's a matter of cleanliness, which we all know is VERY important in any woman's life, therefore, I do not understand why you would even WANT to clean TISSUES, let alone how you think you could possibly go about it.  Really, it's.....huh?...what's that you say?....ISSUES??....oh.........never-MIIIIIIND!

: 
: *ahem*...on to the rest of your questions:

: :I tried
: : : that Goodwife Stewart person...a fat lot of good
: : : SHE was. She kept running around gilding the
: : : pinecones and vacuuming the chickens. 

: I certainly hope you've learned your lesson where THAT one is concerned.  All fluff and no stuff!  Stick to Heloise from now on, and you won't be sorry...often.

: : : Anyhoo, Doc M needs some advice in cleaning her
: : : boudoir, otherwise known around the Clinic as
: : : The Rumpus Room. 

: Oh, I DO SO love a good romp in the rumpus room...not to be confused with a good rump in the...well...never mind.  Heloise is getting a leetle bit off the subject, here.  (Or not.)

: :The mirror on the ceiling
: : : is all fogged up -- could it be evaporation from
: : : the heat and massage units on the waterbed? 

: I believe you have hit the nail on the waterbed (not a very good practice, by the way).  Yes, surely evaporation is the culprit.  I don't know exactly what evaporation IS, but anything with a name like that must be a culprit of SOME sort.  How about you just stop vaporating whilst in said rumpus room?  Then your mirrors won't get foggy, and voila...problem solved.  All that remains is to take a nice soft piece of leather (I'm sure you know where to find one) and, standing on the broadest shoulders of the tallest Huron in your establishment, give said mirrors a nice buffing.  

: :Also,
: : : is there anything I can wrap around the trapeze
: : : bar to keep the walls from getting all scuffed up?

: Oh, yes...Heloise knows just the thing to help with this particular problem.  Get a nice soft piece of leather (been there, acquired that) and wrap it around and around the trapeze bar.  This will not only keep the bar from scuffing the walls, but it will prevent Trapeze Knees, a moderate to severe affliction affecting many in your...ah...profession.

: : : And the handcuffs -- they need a good polishing.
: : : What can I use to get those suckers to really
: : : sparkle??? I remain, ever so nonhumbly,

: I believe the Red-haired Wench has a suggestion or two regarding this matter, so I'll only mention that to maximize efficiency of her suggested preparation, Aunt Aggie's Super Scottish Miraculous Manacle Cleaner, it should be applied with...you guessed it...a nice soft piece of leather!  Nothing better!

: My work here is done!  *sigh*

: Hearty Hugs,
: Heloise of the Hurons


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