Posted by Scorned Cora on September 29, 1998 at 20:12:20:
In Reply to: Hawkeye on Clothing posted by 3 Piggies Productions on September 29, 1998 at 09:17:30:
" As promised, this is the first in a series of articles written by Hawkeye for 3 Piggies Productions. We hope you will enjoy it and we look forward to bringing you many more articles from him on the subject of wilderness survival."
>Look here, you piggies three, if you think you'll have possession of my Hawkeye long enough for more tall tales you are very mistaken. SALT PORK is a popular staple on the trail ... get my drift?
: Hawkeye speaks:
>>> Oh, he does, does he?
" I guess I would like to begin this series of articles by discussing the things I learned about clothing, beginning with our little hike from the George Road to Fort William Henry."
>>> Hawkeye! Come back!!! And that was no little hike, sir.
" First of all, I'll discuss the clothing. The long dresses and petticoats the women wore had some major disadvantages. They dragged at their feet, were unbearably heavy when they got wet and took forever to dry. They provided the women some protection when they were relieving themselves, but were difficult to keep clean and to wash when they became soiled."
>>> WHAT!!! Are you becoming a piggie, too? What were you looking at, sir?
" I suppose they may have been of some use in keeping off the mosquitos, but the low necked dress that my Cora wore was not even useful for that. At night they may have provided some extra warmth and protection from the crawling bugs which seemed to cause them great worry."
>>> Ooooh, it was not the crawling bugs that bothered us at night! And you didn't seem to mind my dress way back when. You are a man with a few admirable qualities, but ...
" I never could convince my Cora to try to make and wear deerskin clothing."
>>> You didn't stick around long to give me a chance, longue carabine.
"she could not handle the skins without thinking of the tanning process, and so she was not useful for sewing either."
>>> And what may I ask WAS I useful for ... sir?
"Wearing them was out of the question for her."
>>> Any well bred Englishwoman would feel the same way.
"I have been quite heartened that the women at 3 Piggies Productions have been very willing to learn the craft of tanning and sewing the skins. They have come up with many new designs for women and for men, including some beautiful hand-quilled custom-made loincloths for me."
>>> I'm quite sure they have. Women such as these are a dime a dozen. In London they'd be quite familiar with the taverns.
"The fitting sessions for both their clothing and for mine have become quite enjoyable. I had no idea that body waxing was required before wearing such clothing. Although quite painful in some areas, it does have a certain erotic aspect."
>>> You fool! And whatever happened to the "special" bear grease?
" Ahem…A discussion of clothing would not be complete without mention of footwear. The leather shoes which both Cora and my poor deceased sister-in-law Alice wore were completely unsuitable."
>>> Say nothing of Alice! It was your fault she died. If you could just shut up once in a while, you might have saved dear Alice. But NOOOOO! You had to go on and on and on about your father's people while that Huron led poor, sweet Alice to the cliffs.
"They were much too stiff for long walks and caused blisters when they became wet. Before Cora learned about the tanning process, I did convince her to try mocassins similar to mine."
>>> I had no choice. You used my footwear for target practice ... "Gotta give ol' Killdeer a workout" said you. By the way, my feet have healed and I can walk without a limp now.
"For rock climbing I prefer vibrum soles, but for general use, any good covered Addidas running shoe is adequate. Cora preferred the simple Addidas mocassins due to their lighter weight."
>>> So?
" My father made Cora a lovely choker similar to his."
>>> Your father? You said YOU made it just for me!
" I understand she wore this in Boston and in London when she returned from the wilderness and received many compliments."
>>> You understand nothing! I did receive many compliments though. But what do you know of such things?
" I believe copies of her choker can be bought at the Mohican Gift Shop. They are reasonably priced and the workmanship is excellent."
>>> Oh they are, are they? I've got a good mind to choke you.
"As an aside, I also understand copies of my wampum belt are available there. As mine is getting rather worn, I thought I might purchase one of the reproductions for everyday wear and save the original for special occasions."
>>> Special occasions? Such as ... loin-cloth fittings?
"I must confess that I have learned quite a few things about clothing myself while I have been staying here at 3 Piggies Productions."
>>> Oh please! To you one bear skin is as good as another.
" I had never heard of a hula skirt before, but it has all the advantages of a loincloth with a much more exciting sensation as I've learned to make it swish. It also affords many more opportunities for peeking."
>>> As I said, I was wrong to think so highly of you. ... pig.
" Although I have been used to bathing in my skin, I must say that these new bikinis the women are wearing are much preferable to the clothing Cora used to wear while "bathing"."
>>> And WHAT is wrong with my bathing attire? You seemed to like the corset and petticoat outfit just fine! What is a bikini? Sounds like a game.
"And whoever heard of suntan lotion… and applying it to each other… in all those places…"
>>> Excuse me?
Well, Hawkeye, I must say that after reading your obscenity saturated discourse, I no longer wish to have you back. Go wallow in the mud with those campy women for all I care. I'll see if I can't find an officer and a gentleman who appreciates my finer qualities!
Go to hades, you washed up filthy scout!
Respectfully,
Miss Cora Munro
PS You three piggies can have him.