THE COURIER CLASSIFIEDS
Wanted: Bounty Hunter to capture elusive D.V.D. Footage. Suspect is armed, too. Must be willing to head west, young man, and ready to kill. Contact B. Traide c/o Bumppo's Tavern.
Wanted: Novel ideas. Not so novel okay. Contact Ol' Ben c/o Sydney of Schuylerville. We won't cheat you. Really.
Reward: Need info on disappearance of Irish singers. Last heard in a place with no frontiers. All tips followed up. No matter how far, we'll find you. Contact IRA c/o Mrs. O'Reilly at Bumppo's Tavern.
For Sale: Great booty from successful raid. Heading north to HuronLand soon. Must liquidate. Mirrors, tools, clothes ... all inside. Hurry, it's a steal!. Contact Ottawa and two Francais.
Will trade captives for gold. Willing to negotiate for the right price. See our inventory and come out ahead. Contact Wyandot Brothers c/o Simon Girty.
Albany comedian seeking new material needs frontier guide. Willing to take punchlines and get my kicks. Amusing anecdotes a plus. Contact Poltroon c/o Patroon's Quarters.
For Sale: Used canoe. A bit damaged during flight from Hurons but still canoeish looking. Makes a great indoor planter. Contact Boone's Trading Lot. Let's talk.
Wanted: Tips on future fads, weather predictions, and events. Need in a hurry! Contact Mme. Claire Voyant at Mohicanland Main Square.
For Sale: Genuine Dutch Delftware dinner settings, rare, stolen oil paintings by descendant of Van Gogh, Eeco Mann, and vomen's clothing. Contact Dutch Trader c/o Traders Guild of Greater Mohicanland.
For Sale: Various items from the Mother Country; Cooper goods, His Majesty's gold wax seal embossing set, Mr. Pitt's quill pen & ink bottle, English tea, Staffordshire Enamel ware, and much more. Contact English Trader c/o Mohicanland Towne Crier.
Will trade good gossip for one gold braided Crier uniform and punched tin lantern. PLEASE! Must have these items for proper Towne Crying. Contact Mohicanland Towne Crier by yelling loudly.
For Sale: Large cargo of Tea from China. Excellent quality. Good price. Acquired from a cooperative English sailor. Contact the French Trader c/o the Traders Guild of Greater Mohicanland.
Wanted: Mohicanland mercenary to track, scalp, and steal from Ottomani Merchant. Must be able to overtake swift moving caravan and willing to wear silk robes. Contact Traders Guild of Greater Mohicanland.
Wanted: News on the whereabouts of Natty Bumppo. Last seen headed for the Lowlands while screaming "Howsever! Howsever!" Information leading to the capture of Ol' Natty will be handsomely rewarded in Dutch guilders. Contact She-Who-Tracks etc. c/o The Courier.
Wanted: Corn-hoein', papoose-bearin', doeskin-chawin' Workhorse Type with plenty of wearability seeks Uncas-type who could connect with everything that is inside of ME - heart, soul and strength ... Dreamy-Eyed and Sighing Alice-Type
Wanted: Dutch trader, sadly left without merchandise after mayhem hit the Low Lands; looking for a sympathetic ear in Mohicanland.
Wanted: A skilled and able tracker to follow suspicious Brits loitering in Mohicanland. Must be willing to kill and possess heroic qualities. Contact Frontier Ally at Mohican Public Meeting House.
Will trade surplus blue match coats for horse meat. Contact Uncle Wiscone at Fort William Henry.
Will trade rusty chipmunk wounder for musket in fair condition. Chipmunk pelts thrown in to sweeten the deal. Contact Dweebie Day-Lewis c/o Miss Marcia.
Unemployed stand-up comic seeking employment in new frontiers. Mohicanland and I could work nicely together. Can do Hawkeye impressions on command. Contact Jerry S c/o Mohican Press Talent Agency.
Attorney services offered from fast talking, high priced New York shyster. If you've got an angle, I'll make them pay. Contact Sydney from Schuylerville c/o Doctor Mary c/o Mohican Press Courier.
Will trade Pickering upright piano for canoe with paddle. Piano finish slightly charred on one end. Will throw in complete set of Huron Handicrafts Genuine Gut Strings. Reply GC, Frontier Entertainment Unlimited, Kinderhook.
Wanted: Lonely wealthy gentleman on his death bed looking for an heir. I'll read to you while your life ebbs away. Can start immediately. Last Will and Testament must be ready to go.
Young lass seeking wilderness adventure with the right kind of guy. Must be noble and handsome, as in "to-die-for"! Contact Alice at the Mohicanland Rehab Center.
Uncas type guy looking for romance. Must be fun, independent, emotionally stable, and female. Please, no skiddish types. They just kill me! Leave a message with Ching.
For Sale: Thriving Trading Post in Mohicanland. Recently acquired and fully stocked. Boorish Esquire Gamut thrown in for good measure. Must sell fast! Make a fair offer to Ilse of the Low Lands.
For Sale: Custom-made, quilled loincloths. Available in moose or caribou hide which is much more durable than the usual deer or elk hide. Various patterns available. Custom fittings required. Reasonable price. Depends loincloths also available at a slightly higher price. Contact Boone's Trading Post in Can-tuck-ee.
Lonely? Depressed? Confused? Give Mohican Matchmakers a call! We'll find the right one for you! Specializing in frontier romance and adventure packed Honeymoon travel packages. Let our Huron guides serenade you in the moonlight. Pre-payment required.
Attractive young lady wishes to escape crass materialistic settlements to share life with honest and rugged hunter/scout in lonely forest cabin. Cabin must have washer/dryer hookup. Reply to Buffie c/o Radcliffe Social Sciences Dpt.
Accomplished pianist seeking frontier dentist skillful at extractions. Send reply to GC c/o Frontier Entertainment Unlimited, Kinderhook.
WANTED!! Undercover French scout. Last seen in the vicinity of Massacre Valley wearing a blue baseball cap and brandishing a megaphone. Can be positively identified by his annoying voice ... contact General Webb on the Hudson.
Huge Yard Sale! Sole survivor of unfortunate family must liquidate family possessions before heading to Can-Tuc-kee. Military accoutrements, jewelry, Scottish claymoors, latest European fashions, English bone china, memorabilia, and much more. Everything must go! Come to the patroon's house and ask for Miss Munro.
Wanted: Unemployed Huron warrior to volunteer as a moving target for tomahawk throwing. Contact Chingachgook.
Will trade stolen soldier uniform for LOTM sequel role. Contact Soldier #2 c/o Mohican Press Talent Agency.
Mail Order brides for single frontiersmen available through the Mohicanland Trading Post. Come in, browse our catalog, and order yours today!
Wanted: Information on the pelt laden missing horse last seen at the Camerons' cabin. If anyone has seen this horse, please contact Jo c/o Mohican Board.
Looking for guinea pigs willing to volunteer for experimental tattoo designs and methods. Remember, practice makes perfect. Contact merry merchant Ilse.
Wanted urgently! Missing Academy Award nominations, please! Contact Michael Baby in Miami.
For Sale: Mohicaan Trail Food. Pre-packaged, dried, lightweight foodstuffs. Comes in a variety of blends including traditional parched corn, corn meal with maple powder, venison jerky with jalapeno peppers, pumpkin surprise, berry bounty, turkey with wild onions, and more. Just add water and, voila! Dinner on the run. Great for battles, ambushes, and unexpected massacre situations. Send two shillings per package to Mohicaan Bounty c/o Mohicanland Trading Post.
Looking for driver of The Silver Bus, parked adjacent to Fort William Henry. Must parley! Contact The Film Crew (our jobs depend upon it!).
Dutch trader, expanding horizon, seeks business partners in Mohicanland. Will pay in silver, refunds in wampum and brandy. Contact Ilse.
Will trade Uncas type for a thriving trading post. Acquired recently. Still likes life on the edge. Contact the merry merchant from the Netherlands.
Will hire able bodied Ottawa warriors for raiding duty. Contact Marquis de Montcalm at Fort Carillon. I promise much booty.
Merry merchant from the Low Lands, seeking a way into Magic Mohicanland. Will swap Delft Blue, Haagje Hopjes, mad cows and plagued pigs, weather forecasts, T-shirts, tattoos, piercings, ghost stories and ... miniature windmills, with anybody that will go for it. Definitely no wooden shoes! Will give you blisters you will suffer from into eternity. Trust me! I know! ... Dutch Trader
Wanted: Delaware speaking woman. Must be willing to bear many children. Contact Uncas c/o John Cameron.
Will trade plans of Fort William Henry for one good horse. Must be visible. Contact Jo c/o Mohicanland Courthouse.
Wanted: A few good men. Contact Col. Munro at Fort William Henry.
Wanted: A few good men. Contact Mary at Mohicanland Rest Home.
Wanted: Used good wife for frontier drudgery living. Must not have teeth. Strong hands a plus. Contact Nathaniel c/o Mohican WWW Board.
Desperate Dutch Damsel in Dire Distress seeks Uncas type to share her life. Must like living life on the edge. Contact Ilse.
For Sale: Three English captives. Might be willing to trade for a longue carabine. Contact Magua c/o Ros.
Wanted: Musket shooting female w/Natty Bumppo mentality to share wool blanket. Must like the smell of gunpowder and enjoy parched corn. Contact Colonial Joe.
Will swap one handy-dandy, Army surplus, rusty, red pocket knife for a used sling shot. Must have rubber band pre-installed. Contact Mr. R c/o Huron villagers.
Looking for any information on the whereabouts of Nathaniel Bumppo. Elusive loner. May go by the name of Hawkeye. Please send signal to Gayle.
Wanted: Heart donor for a war hero. Please respond quickly. Contact Miss Cora Munro c/o Mr. Poe.
For Sale: Burned out Cameron homestead. Ideal location for rugged family looking for adventures. Contact Esq. David Gamut.