LETTERS TO THE EDITORS

Please print the following verse. It is a heartfelt dedication to your very own Doctor Mary.

Dear Doctor Mary, where did you go to school?

You've trampled human dignity, you've broken every rule.

You claim you'll help the helpless, and mend those broken hearts

But really you're a vulture who tears those hearts apart!

Please, Doctor Mary, I beg you, do please stop.

Your therapy's a scam game, your counseling's a flop.

So many lives you've ruined, so many egos crushed,

To read you is such torture, your language makes me blush!

Please, Doctor Mary, before it is too late,

In the interest of humanity, you mustn't seal our hellish fate.

Oh, Doctor Mary, how can I make you see?

You'd be better off in prison ... to be all you can be!

Thank you,

American Psychiatric Association

Dear APA,

Thank you.

The Editors

As a long time reader of your paper, which is, in my opinion, Mohicanland's finest, I'd like to thank you for your recent expose of the so called "Great" Mohican Gathering in our town. Having lived here all my natural life I can tell you that Mohicanland has never, never been so terrorized or trashed by the likes of those mohicanites. I imagine it will take quite a long time for the colony to recover from this trauma.

Regarding your undercover reporter; what a brave soul! And so truthful. I witnessed many incidents such as your reporter described so I know the report was accurate. Why not hire that wonderful person full time!

Lastly, is there any way we citizens can organize a campaign to ban those crazies from holding their next blood bath in our beloved Mohicanland? Or perhaps convince them to take their cheap vaudeville act to Siberia?

Thanks so much for bringing out the truth.

Sincerely,

Mr. Soldier #2, Sr.

Dear Mr. Soldier #2, Sr.,

Thank you for your letter of admiration. We agree. The Courier is Mohicanland's finest! It is our pleasure to bring readers like you the best quality news, entertainment, columnists, Op Ed, etc. possible. We are proud of our staff and appreciate our stoolies very much.

We can not comment upon our undercover reporter as said person's life is at risk. We do, however, join you in thanking this reporter for bringing truth and justice to Mohicanland.

Though we would also like to see the mohicanites die off (after all, they are a dying breed ... a part of what?), we do not know of any legal means through which we can successfully bar their entry to Mohicanland. Perhaps you might consider organizing a fund raiser to pay an assassination squad. Just a thought.

Thank you,

My heart for you will always pine.

I'm finished with that nasty Cora --

I've finally shown her butt the door-a!

As my father's people say

I'm yours, hot stuff! Name the day!

Don't leave me with a heart of woe...

Yours sincerely,

Nathaniel Poe

~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Poe,

Thank you for sharing your most private, innermost obsessions with the Courier readers. We were moved to tears by the sensitivity and devotion you have expressed in your poetic masterpiece. Rarely have we been so blessed as to witness such intense, pure, perfect love. Your declaration of love for Dr. Mary is a tribute to mankind! We sincerely wish you succeed in winning the doctor's heart.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Tar and Feathering should most certainly be taught in the schools. Only by educating our children can we hope to maintain a safe and lawful society.

A concerned reader

Dear concerned reader,

Thank you for expressing your opinion on this sticky issue. We concur; spare the tar and ruffle some feathers later. Best the minors know from the gecko that slovenly behavior and poor work ethics will not be tolerated in our civilized society. We see it as an act of kindness, beneficial to all in the long run.

Sincerely,

The Editors

I am having my lawyer contact you concerning the libel suit I have filed against you. The most recent article in your paper concerning my "arrest" was the last straw. Your system of Southern "justice" seems to be living up to its ugly reputation. There were some bogus charges filed against me in retaliation for my entirely legal efforts to free C#2 from the hellhole which you refer to as the Mohicanland Criminal Rehab and Emotional Crisis Center. If you had done your research properly, you would have discovered that the charges against me were dropped almost as soon as they were filed.

If you want to do some real investigative reporting, I suggest you send someone undercover into your "Crisis Center". You might read "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" in preparation for the medieval tortures and abuse that occur there.

In addition to the lawsuit filed against The Courier, I have called the office of the Governor and asked for a full investigation. Not being entirely sure that the Governor operates within the law, I have also contacted the U.S. Department of Justice.

Sincerely,

O'Wara

Dear O'Wara,

You are the most hot-tempered, ill mannered, delusional convict we've ever encountered. Though some of the more colorful charges were indeed dropped, such as Violation of the Blue Law, Bootlegging Copies of Rebecca of Salem's Neon Green Cast, and Cruising the Red Light District of New Amsterdam, the remaining charges have been handed down in an indictment against you and are now in the hands of the Grand Juryess Sadie. You know that, O'Wara, as well as we. Your shameless attempt to intimidate the Courier reporters has failed. The story will continue to be reported as long as we at the Courier feel like talking about it. When we are bored, it will be buried. Not before then.

We understand your lawyer, F. Lee Bailer, has bailed you out. How charitable. Was it the big mouth meddler's idea to sue us? We look forward to tangling with the both of you. You should know, however, that the Courier has hired Doctor Mary's New York, fast talking, high priced, go for the jugular, shyster, Sydney of Schuylerville. You don't stand a chance, you criminal element.

As for the Mohicanland Criminal Rehab and Emotional Crisis Center, we do believe there is some torture and mental cruelty involved in the sensitivity programming. The splashy, sensational Gerald Riviera is locked up, undercover, as we speak in aforementioned hellhole. It should be fun to see what sick things he discovers.

Thank you for your letter. We'll see you and your loser lawyer in court. And FYI, the colonial governor is as crooked as a Cooper twig.

Sincerely,

Magua and I just wanted to thank everyone for the wonderful engagement party. Carol outdid herself with the heart ka-bobs. We are both looking forward to many years together, creating havoc among the Yangeese. All friends will be invited to Huron land, however, for the wedding ceremony, whenever I can get Magua to quit pillaging and looting long enough to say "I do".

By the way, I have heard that Magua's ex-wife, hearing that he is indeed alive and well, and even after having become the wife of another, may be be searching for him. Have you heard any rumors? If she thinks she is going to get him back, forget it! There will be trouble in Huron land for sure! (This will make the Jerry Springer Show look tame.)

Ros, Magua's Moll!

Dear Magua's Moll,

Thank you for the thank you. Word is that Alice and Carol really knocked 'em dead with their party planner! Please advise the Courier when the date is set. We'll announce it in the Local Happenings.

We have heard the same rumors and understand that Magua's ex is the hysterical type and vows to kill you before the hatchet wedding takes place. She is reportedly unhappy with her new Huron hubby and is said to be determined to win her Mohawk imposter back. We've sent our Four, Stout, Loyal Brothers to follow, spy, confuse, derail, and capture the squaw. As always, we'll update our readers on whatever news develops from the hunt.

Good luck with your efforts to nail Magua down and get rid of the Huron competition.

Sincerely,

Concerning your "Question of the Week" in the last edition of the Courier, you have it all wrong. In the far superior matrilineal society, the proper question is: should a man be allowed to own property, occasionally decline to fulfill his husbandly duties or take vacations? The short answer is no. Only occasionally do you find a man with the superior qualities which would enable him to handle such freedoms. In those rare cases, exceptions could be made.

Sincerely,

Alaskan Frontier Female

Dear Alaskan Frontier Female,

You raise some interesting points concerning issues of freedom, marital duties, gendre characteristics, and male immaturity. While we believe your reversal of the question is an honest, accurate philosophically sound representation in Nirvana, the fact remains that we do not live in a matrilineal society. Ours is yet a man's world and until that simple truth changes, the question remains one of legal, social, and political relevancy. Face it, Alaskan Female, you've got a long way to go, baby!

Putting aside the question of female rights for the moment; Though we believe men should be permitted to own property, we oppose the radical suggestion that they should also be permitted to occasionally decline to fulfill their husbandly duties. Considering the heavy work load of females, it's the least they can do. An occasional vacation, on the other hand, should be considered on an individual basis. Those rare males that can actually handle freedom off the leash should be required to earn their vacation time... a system of merit.

Thank you for your enlightening thoughts.

In the wake of the endless foofarrah over cyberpropositions, I wish to rebut your newspaper's scurrilous characterization of me as rude, insensitive and uncaring . As usual, your ravening paparazzi, hot on the scent of a titillating scandal, reported my response out of context and failed to note that, in spite of my Natty Bumppo mentality, I blushed, paled and trembled according to the accepted formula and withdrew modestly into the forest to consider my maidenly options. In all fairness, I concede that a stark "No" was an uncharacteristically abrupt and inadequate response on my part. I should have said "No. Thank you." As evidence of my desire to set this matter straight, I have burned my cabin.

She-Who-Has-Tracked-La-Longue-Carabine

Dear She,

A word of advice. Lose the "Dear Gentleman", it gets us off to a poor start. Nonetheless, let us address your emotionally wrought words.

Perhaps we have judged your curt response to your cybersuitors too harshly. Under the circumstances, you were most likely caught off guard and reacted like an emotional female. Understandable, but still not a proper reply or suitable option for a modest maiden. "No" has a nasty ring to it, a touch of finality. On the other hand, your alternative response "No, thank you" appears gracious, kind, appreciative, and at least offers the spurned one the chance to salvage his ego. We certainly prefer to hear more "No, thank you's" than "No's" escaping the lips of blushing belles.

You are correct. We did neglect to point out that you did indeed follow the accepted formula of blushing, paling, trembling, and forested retreat. We extend our apology to you on that one point. It was not our intention to misrepresent your character or ruin future marital prospects. Accept our apologies and speak of it no more.

Will you be needing new lodgings? We've heard there is an abandoned cabin in Can-Tuc-kee, Nathaniel and Cora's place. It's targeted for foreclosure.

Just wanted to thank Miss Marcia for the lovely reception at her nursing home dining room. Too bad about the tragic wheel chair accident, but Roadrunner was simply doing a wheelie! Anyway, the mint juleps were great and Miss Marcia outdid herslf with the magnolias.

Ros, Magua's girlfriend (The Huron Harpie)

(Editors' Note: We at the Courier join with the Huron Harpie in extending our thanks to Miss Marcia for the smashing luncheon. However, if Magnolia Marcia doesn't get her derriere in gear she might find life around here can be preeeeety intolerable. Regrettable about the hit and run wheelie death. Oh well. We've all got to go sooner or later.)

I was stunned to read in your newspaper of the charges against RichFed, C#1, C#2 and Jo, and especially of the fact that they were found guilty of these charges. I have shared a home with C#2 for several years now, and she has certainly not been arrested, nevermind tried and found guilty of anything. Believe me, I would be the first to know. We have been innocently enjoying the spring weather in our area, and totally unaware of the events apparently taking place in Mohicanland.

My only thought on how such an error could have occurred is to believe that someone else was arrested, tried and convicted using C#2's name as an alias. I am consulting with our lawyer to see if there is any legal recourse available to us. We will do whatever is necessary to clear C#2's good name.

Sincerely,

Owara

Dear O'Wara,

Whoa! You've got your work cut out for you, haven't you? There are a few pressing clarifications needed regarding C #2 and her thug friends. The four suspects (perps, we like to say) were not "found" guilty, they plead guilty. They had to; the evidence against them was undeniably astounding. Though it may be true that C #2 is not as demented as C #1, she is guilty. Hey! Do the crime, serve the time. Sounds fair to us.

But, dear O'Wara, how gullible can you be? Did you really think C #2 was going to draw you a picture every time she undertook another criminal activity? I don't know about you, but I've never yet met a vicious felon who ran about proclaiming themself for what they are. They tend to be sneaky, deceitful, live double lives, and lie like the devil. I know how you feel. I too was shocked at learning of Rich Fed's involvement. Not because I thought him a virtuous soul, but the charges didn't seem "him". I thought "him" more the "boys in the hood" type; or Sadam henchman/world terrorist/trick-or-treater's nightmare type. It goes to show you that you never really know anyone. Rich Fed has been masquerading as a friendly pony express rider for years ..... see what I mean?

The thing is, O'Wara, you are probably hurting inside. Face it, C #2 took you for a fool. You thought you were "innocently" enjoying the spring weather, but C #2 was planning and carrying out her sordid crimes under your very noise. I think it may help to talk to someone about your feelings. This sort of betrayal is hard to get over. It hurts, doesn't it? Perhaps you'd like to write a letter to Doctor Mary. She can be very helpful to pathetic people. At the very least, I'm sure Doctor Mary will be able to help you plan your revenge. One of her areas of specialized treatment is "murder for the beginner". She's very good. Please consider writing her a letter before you fall apart or sink into an emotional abyss.

We will reluctantly look into the possibility of a C #2 imposter, but don't get your hopes up. Hang in there, O'Wara! There's always LOTM to provide an escape.

Sincerely,

The Editors

I am writing to express both my disappointment and my outrage. Your advice columnist, Dr. Mary, has some nerve! I was shocked and appalled to read her so-called advice to "Cora in Can-Tuc-kee". The poor woman is struggling with some very serious life issues and your Doctor Mary replied in a most insensitive manner. Send your husband to my walk-in clinic, indeed! Who's she kidding!?! It was very plain to this reader exactly what your Merry Mary is up to. For all we know "Cora in Can-Tuc-kee" may be lying dead in some darkened, off trail ditch while the good doctor busies herself with husband re-adjustment! Who would know? Who would care? Have you no consciences?

I urge the editors of the Mohican Press Courier to purge themselves of this frontier femme fatale before it's too late.

Sincerely, Mrs. Munro

Dear Mrs. Munro,

Thank you for your letter. We appreciate your concern for both the Courier's reputation and "Cora-in-Can-Tuc-kee". We looked over Doctor Mary's advice to the wench and can in good conscience say that we find nothing inappropriate or irresponsible in her response. In consideration of the conflicts raised, and the emotional indecisiveness of the afflicted "good wife", we support Doctor Mary's advice 100%. "Cora" strikes us a spoiled, pampered, arrogant, stick-in-the-mud who wants to have her cake and eat it too. It's high time someone put her in her place. With excitement comes risk. With fun comes responsibility. With life comes pain. She needs to learn that she can't simply sit on her derriere forever, eating Bon Bons and expecting everything to be handed to her. In light of the circumstances and sentiments expressed by conniving Cora, we feel the recommendations by Doctor Mary were very reasonable.

We are sorry to disappoint you. Please be patient or ask death for speed.

Dear Editors,

Thank you for your offer of a full investigation into this matter. I am confident that when all the facts are uncovered, we will be proved innocent of all allegations.

Your most humble friend,

O'wara

April 8, 1998

The Courier Mohicanpress Mohicanland, NC

Dear Sir and Madam:

As the brothers of C#1 we feel it is our duty to alert readers of the Mohican Courier of the ineptitude of the editors of said publication. This publication is a textbook example of schlock journalism. It is rife with lies and conjecture. C#1 IS a caring nurse who likes to help people. Sadly, we have had to point out to her that some people in Mohicanland are beyond help. She is wrongly accused of instigating an intra-Mohicanland war. C#1 did tell the LOTM site's owners (hereinafter referred to as R and E) of the Schweig interview when she was debating a point regarding the filming of the Alice and Uncas love scene. They responded by asking for the entire copy of the interview and C#1's permission to use it. Why would people who portray themselves as competent site owners ask C#1's permission to use a copyrighted article? C#1 politely pointed out the error of their ways, furnished them with the editor's name and address and implored them to contact him for permission to use the article. Realizing they had committed a major faux pas, R and E did as requested. We read the interview after it was posted on the site. The interview itself did not cause any fighting. It was the opinionated evaluation following the interview which resulted in the outbreak of war. We all know who the authors of that nasty little piece were. R and E were responsible for the civil strife in Mohicanland, not C#1.

What can we say about the "Mohican Genesis?" A request by C#1 for E to write a short, concise paragraph or two for the Program Guide turned into a stream of consciousness that William Faulkner would have been proud of! We have come up with 2 very constructive uses for the "Mohican Genesis." Print out the "Genesis" article and it is the right size for lining the bottom of a standard size bird cage or it is adequate for wrapping dead fish. Used in either one of these manners, the "Mohican Genesis" is bio-degradable and serves a useful purpose.

As C#1's brothers we categorically deny the existence of a deposition signed by any one of us. This bold-face lie is another example of the Mohican Courier's pathetic approach to journalism. To describe our beloved sister with words such as she-devil, jaded,and demented will not be tolerated by us. Send your beloved Magua to speak with us and we'll be happy to show him some Irish, Yangeese hospitality.

Cordially, A, J, M, and T.

Stout, loyal brothers of C#1

Dear Stout, Loyal Brothers of C #1,

Thank you very much for taking the time to compose your silly piece of heresy. We regret very much that you have found our publication, The Courier, to be an example of "schlock journalism". Since you have brought certain aspects regarding Mohican Press' dealings with C #1 into the public arena, we feel it is our journalistic duty to respond in full.

The Uncas interview which you refer to as the "Schweig Interview" was brought to our attention, as you say, by C #1. As readers may recall, there had been much discussion of the missing "Alice/Uncas Love Scene" on the board. The answer seemed elusive. It was at that point C #1 contacted Mohican Press about the interview. She stated in her rather rude letter that she felt it was our "obligation" to print the said interview since we liked to think of ourselves as "LOTM know it alls". Ignoring C #1's absurd, offensive manner, we did accept her "offer" to provide a "readable copy" of the Uncas Interview. We did inquire into the question of copyright. C #1 responded by sending the most horrible, barely readable copy of the interview, along with the unsolicited advise to not worry about copyright issues as the owners were "fly by night riff raff". Ignoring C #1's obvious anti-social personality, we attempted to obtain permission to print the interview. Unfortunately, our letters were returned as undeliverable. At that point, Mohican Press editors were placed in an unsought for position to make a decision that would be in the public's best interest. We decided to print the interview, knowing full well how much our readers would appreciate it. As for your accusation that Mohican Press was responsible for the civil strife in Mohicanland, resulting from our "opinionated evaluation" of the interview, all we can say is that we uphold your right to express your own opinionated evaluation, no matter how unfounded or unreasonable it is.

Thank you for bringing to our attention the many uses one can find for the "Mohican Genesis" article. As practically minded people, your sense of community responsibility has brought tears to our eyes. Of course, some readers may see your suggestions as further evidence of your communist affiliation, but that can't be helped. We think your suggestions are so great that we encourage all our readers to follow your lead and use the 'Mohican Genesis" article to wrap dead fish in before mailing it to you.

Mohican Press has indeed committed a faux pas! Thanks to your keen eyes, we are aware of a typo in our editiorial. The signature on the deposition referred to was supposed to read "mother", not brother. Our apologies for the error. It will be corrected in next week's edition of the Courier. We appreciate your bringing this RARE error to our attention.

Thank you very much for your lengthy Faulknerish reply. We sincerely appreciate your sample of Irish, Yangeese hospitality. Very cordial. Thank you also for the enclosed check for your Courier subscription renewal.

Sincerely,

Mohican Press Courier Editors, Mohicanland

Dear Mohican Press,

We are currently seeking employment. It appears that the Mohican Courier is in need of the following; typist, proofreader, researcher, and delivery person. Please forward job applications to us. We're willing to relocate.

Respectfully,

The Stout, Loyal Brothers

Dear Stout, Loyal Brothers,

Thank you for considering employment with the Mohican Press Courier. It is true that our workload is very heavy. We have recently hired a sweet, sensitive, level headed advice columnist named Doctor Mary. Since you have shown yourselves to be loyal, if not truthful, we would consider hiring all of you. Please do keep in mind that you must work your way up in this business. Would copy boys suit you all as a starting point?

We are also pleased that you are willing to relocate to beautiful Mohicanland. We will send our good friend, the faithful Huron Magua, to escort you to Mohicanland in two nights and a bit.

Please give our warm regards to your mother and express our deep disappointment with your beloved sister, the she-devil C #1.

Sincerely,