THE COURIER ... Issue Eight

by She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine

Acting on a rumor that a Three Whiskered Spotted Toed Icelandic Amoeba has been located in a pond on the property of one E. Lane in North Carolina, the Environmental Perfection Agency, the British Environmental Rent To Kill Group and Cooper, Crosby & Croghan Land Development Corporation have joined forces to perpetrate an unprecedented land grab in Mohicanland. Your Courier reporter accompanied agents of the newly formed Federal Bureau of Insinuation to North Carolina, where a siege of the peaceful and scenic property is developing. However, according to a spokesperson for the Rent To Kill Group, the resistance to this clandestine plot to reclaim land which somehow accidentally got into the hands of an ordinary citizen, has proven as zany as anything the aristocrats have ever come up against.

Upon arrival at the site, the Federal Bureau of Insinuation officers found the manorhouse of E. Lane deserted. They were stunned to discover a large gilded cage in the back yard. The door was standing open, and the cage was empty. The floor was covered with a large luxurious bearskin, and several elegantly carved Inuit Spirit Masks were suspended from the corners of the cage, obviously as a form of decoration. Most puzzling was a strange apparatus with many small buttons bearing letters and peculiar symbols. It is believed to be a toy, since a kite was lying beside it. A large key attached to the kite string proved to be the key to the cage. Several attractive Indian pottery bowls contained what appeared to be fragments of chocolate fu-u-udge. Opinion is divided as to what kind of creature may have been detained in the cage or how it may have escaped. Neighbors could give no information, but several reported frequently hearing a plaintive song with the only discernible words being "I Will Find You". They could shed no light on why the caged beast sings.

The British Rent-To-Kill Group, activists and officials of the Environmental Perfection Agency, the principals of Cooper, Crosby and Croghan Land Developers, and a regiment of the Queen's Footsoldiers were gathered in front of the manorhouse, calling for the surrender of the property to government management. The perpetrators have stated a desire to come to some mutually beneficial arrangement whereby E. Lane can be quietly evicted. Several wagon loads of cement sacks belonging to C, C, & C Land Development Corporation were arranged along the driveway leading to the house.

Neighbors, gathering to see what was happening were unimpressed by the aristocratic magnificence of the government and Crown representatives. In fact they seemed resentful of the intrusion and cited their unique relationship with the denizens of Mohicanland. Townsfolk and local businesses were closing their doors and refusing to provide supplies or lodging to the Crown and EPA activists. Several grumbled that they did not care how long this siege went on, the interfering wussies would not get any help from them if they starved to death and froze on the ground in their sleep. Interviewing a neighbor, this reporter asked why no information or support was being offered to the authorities, since the Mohican crowd had the reputation of causing mayhem with the hysterical rites of their annual pilgrimage known as "The Gathering". The neighbor scratched his chin pensively and replied, "Wa-a-al, yus. Sartain they's nuts. But they brings in business."

Shortly after this, a severely dented and scraped red, white and silver Rent-To-Kill truck pulled up beside the driveway, and the driver, a scruffy frontier type, began selling parched corn and blankets to the desperate besiegers, though at twice the current black market price. The various contingents then spread out across the property to search for the pond which, allegedly, is the home of the reportedly endangered Three Whiskered Spotted Toed Icelandic Amoeba.

The pond is located several leagues south of the manorhouse. It is known locally to be a secure sanctuary of the Mohicaan Sachemess, E. Lane. A brief description of the setting as seen shortly before the onset of the siege will serve to seal the sympathies of the sincere observer. It is, under serendipitous circumstances, a sensual sylvan scene of singularly satisfying serenity. Softly shrubberied shores studded with subtly sibilant saplings surround the shimmering susurration of the shining silver sheet. Several silent, shadowy sylphs swayed sympathetically aside the stricken Sachemess as, seated on a shaded sandy shoal, she softly sang her sweet, seductive song. Suddenly stentorian shouts shattered the sacred scene. "Sachemess, surrender! This is a Serious Siege!"

Within minutes, the area was transformed into The Movie Set From Hell. As the threatening forces advanced, the Sachemess lightly leaped into a waiting canoe and paddled frantically for the center of the pond. There she quickly ascended a large projecting rock which forms the base of a small island, and took her seat facing the assembled pursuers. Her faithful Mohicaan followers paddled after her and gathered on and around the rock to provide protection and encouragement. The besieging contingents rapidly spread out around the pond. The Rent To Kill Group, unrolling large, thorn-studded nets, positioned themselves on the north side of the pond. The Environmental Perfection activists rallied on the south with protest signs and began chanting insulting epithets. Fixing baggonets, the Queen's Footsoldiers formed up on the east side of the pond, and the CC&C group began to circle their cement wagons to cut off escape routes toward the west.

Your Courier Investigative Reporter was an eyewitness to the dramatic and violent conclusion to the protracted siege by combined forces of the Environmental Perfection Agency, the British Rent To Kill Environmental Services Group, a regiment of the Queen's Footsoldiers and Cooper, Crosby and Croghan Land Development Corporation on the property of Mohicanland Sachemess E. Lane. The following events brought an end to a hostile standoff which had baffled the resources of government and law enforcement officials and provided endless amusement for the locals, who were in a bit of a slump following the highly entertaining weekend of "The Gathering".

Last week, the pond allegedly containing the environmentally threatened Three Whiskered Spotted Toed Icelandic Amoeba was surrounded by hostile groups attempting to gain control of the property. The Sachemess of Mohicanland and her many loyal supporters were trapped on a small island in the middle of the pond, defending their sylvan stronghold, each in his or her own way. Wolfie stalked around the circumference of the island, snarling and snapping at the intruders, while Vita and Petra , holding white flowers and smiling seraphically, walked the shore in peace and love. Believing that a crisis was drawing near, dangerous, dangerous Chris devoted herself to teaching Ann and Lyll to load, aim and fire their muskets. During the process, enough pigeons were accidentally shot out of the trees to keep the besieged Mohicans fed for some time. Famous Dutch Trader Ilse approached the C,C&C principals with a white flag and attempted to negotiate a trade of the Dutch Trading Post for the contested land, but to no avail. Her overtures were met with scorn and threats, and she left the area muttering bitterly, "Looks like it's back to the Courier Classifieds!".

At that point, noted EPA activist troupe, Cathy, Kathy, Kathie, Cathie, Katherine, Kathryn, Catherine, Kathleen, Caitlin, Susy, and Suzie rose to an hysterical pitch with chants and dances. They began throwing biodegradable trash into the pond in an attempt to soak up the water so they could storm the island without shrinking their Oonion Label cabin skirts.

Just as the Rent To Kill Group and the Queen's Regiment leveled their muskets to commence an all-out assault on the island, Mighty Mohican Momma MMMarcia broke through the crowd of sightseers lining the battleground and made a dash through the lines with a bag of life-sustaining fu-u-udge for The Sachemess. Plunging into the water, she floundered, splashed, and kicked her way toward the island, but became overwhelmed and began to sink. The Footsoldiers' regiment was advancing in a flawless line toward the pond, when to the horror and confusion of the assembled besiegers, Soldier #2 of the Queen's Regiment broke rank and dived into the pond. With strong and manly strokes, he reached the struggling MMMarcia, and pushed, hauled, shoved and dragged her up onto the rock. Soldier #2 then took his place beside the Sachemess and vowed to defend her and her valorous tribe to the death, or until he received a new movie contract, whichever came first. Unfortunately for the Queen's Regiment, this seriously messed up their formation, which they had practiced for weeks, and they were unable to advance without further instructions. However, at this point, shots were fired from both sides.

Following the salvo, Scotto tried desperately to reload his musket, but kept getting badly tangled in a large piece of heavily fringed white brocade which was draped over his shoulders. Finally, in total frustration, he ripped the flapping obstacle from around his neck and flung it in a heap on the ground, screaming, "Dammit, Alice, you're going to have to try to stand up by yourself for a minute!!"

At this critical moment, Rich was seen flogging his genuine Narragansett pony across the fields toward the pond and waving an official looking packet in the air. This proved to be an official communique from the Just Us Department detailing the interrogation of the Simple Fool, whose letter to E. Lane had started the whole fiasco. It appears the Simple Fool read of the Mohicanland siege in the Courier and made a call to the Federal Bureau of Insinuation to state that she had information germane to the investigation. After hearing her story, the Bureau referred the case to the Just Us Department.

The Just Us Department became suspicious of a hoax, when it turned out that "The Pitiful Plight of the Three Whiskered Spotted Toed Icelandic Amoeba" was written by one Paulus A. Blockhead for the July issue of the Environmental Perfection Agency newsletter "Piltdown Publications". Mr Blockhead was recently sued in Federal Court by the Mohicans for claiming to hold copyrights to all their songs. He was later quoted in the press as having vowed to "get even with those greedy imposters." Believing himself to be a reincarnation of James Fenimore Cooper, Mr. Blockhead is known for his charming children's story, "One Indian, Two Indians, Count Their Rifles". Recent contributions to Piltdown Publications include a sparkling series of personal interviews called "Yakking with Yeti" and a scholarly piece entitled "A Lady's Guide to Pottying in the Woods".

After reading the Piltdown Publication article on the Amoeba, the Simple Fool sent a letter to her friend, E. Lane, joking that the Amoeba might be located in the ponds on her land. By various circuitous routes, the letter came to the attention of the Environmental Perfection Agency, who being in the pay of Cooper, Crosby and Croghan Land Development Corporation, are always on the lookout for lucrative land grabs. The allegation of an endangered species seemed a reasonable excuse for dispossessing the Mohicans of their land. To gain the cooperation of the Crown in expanding patents for favored loyalists, the EPA contracted with the British "Environmental Services" Rent To Kill Group, and the Crown provided a regiment of Footsoldiers to add muscle to the operation. However, the newly formed Federal Bureau of Insinuation and the Just Us Department, not currently being in anybody's pay, succeeded in shutting down the nefarious scheme.

With the Just Us Department warrants in hand, the Federal Bureau of Insinuation officers first proceeded to arrest the members of the Rent To Kill Group and the three land developers, Cooper, Crosby and Croghan, who have retained Defense Attorney Can-Tuck-ee Victoria as their attorney.

The four burly Arkansas State Troopers collared the Environmental Perfection Agency activist troupe, who taken to a local lockup and charged with General Confusion. The troupe was later released by special arrangement into the custody of Dutch Trader Ilse who appears suddenly to have abandoned her attempt to get rid of her Trading Post.

The mysterious red, white and silver truck with its supplies of parched corn and blankets had disappeared from the driveway of the manorhouse. It was later reported seen in the vicinity of Linville Gorge, but the sighting has not been confirmed. A bounty has been set for the capture of Colonial Joe.

Sachemess E. Lane has returned happily to her cage, where she is busily engaged with her laptop in writing a revised version of LOTM. The eagerly awaited film is to star Eric Hurley as Hawkeye, MMMarcia as Cora, Scotto as Uncas, Rich as Magua, Billy Boy as Duncan, and Dr. Mary as Long Strong Alice.

In the absence of a formal extradition treaty, British Rent To Kill personnel were speedily tried, convicted and sentenced to a year of Sensitivity Training by the Huron Harpies. However, in a remarkable gesture of compassion, E. Lane appealed for and won commutation of their sentence to a rehabilitation work program. They will be employed as gauntlet runners in the new LOTM production. E. Lane, noted for her fidelity to historical accuracy, has commented that the gauntlet scene will have to be re-shot hundreds of times.

Meanwhile the Federal Bureau of Insinuation has been issued a commendation from the Just Us Department for outstanding response to this critical event. At the end of the week, they returned to Headquarters with all 7 files and prepared to embark on a new operation.

Paulus A. Blockhead has been arrested, tried and sentenced to community service at Bureau Headquarters, where he will teach a course in file counting. He will be eligible for parole based on demonstrable evidence of success.