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THE COURIER ... Issue Six
All the news that's fit to print ... and then some. Established 1757
Issue 6
RENT TO KILL GROUP ACTIVE IN COLONIES
by She-Who-Tracks-La Longue Carabine The newly organized Federal Bureau of Insinuation has launched an investigation into what appears to be an underhanded attempt by the Crown to regain dominance over disputed property in the former Colonies. Acting on a lead from a source who would prefer to remain anonymous but can't keep her mouth shut, this reporter contacted various other sources who in the past have proven reasonably tractable when plied with sufficient amounts of rum, and discovered that a scurrilous plot is afoot. The plot came to light when a concerned citizen in the territory of Texas noticed an oddly shaped red and white truck secreted in a secluded alley. It was emblazoned with the British Royal Insignia, below which appeared the inscription:
By appointment to His Majesty the King Our concerned citizen said her suspicions were raised when she noticed that a ding on a rear panel revealed an undercoating of silver paint. This Nosey Parker then notified local authorities, who immediately sent Indian runners to query authorities in various other colonies as to whether any silver vehicles had been reported stolen. Shortly thereafter, four burly Arkansas State Troopers appeared on the scene with the information that, indeed, a Mohicanland-wide search was in progress to locate a silver bus that had disappeared from behind the Camerons' cabin in the Colony of York. Unfortunately, by the time the troopers were released from their demanding duties for the Governor and arrived in Texas, the truck had disappeared. The troopers then contacted the Federal Bureau of Insinuation. Though the Bureau commenced official operations only one week ago, they have agreed to provide the necessary manpower, and reassigned a team of agents who had been detailed to a full time effort to locate their five files. Initial queries by the Bureau indicate that the Rent To Kill Group is an environmental services firm famous for its Take No Prisoners approach. Citing the British sterling credentials for successful eradication of pesky Indians illegally occupying land intended for the safe habitats of endangered species, the fledgling Environmental Perfection Agency has contracted with the Rent To Kill Group for assistance on a special mission, the nature of which is currently classified, but which appears to involve certain ponds in North Carolina. No further details are available at this time, but the Federal Bureau of Insinuation has issued a warrant for the arrest of a shadowy character by the name of Colonial Joe, who is suspected of involvement with the apparently redesigned and repainted bus. The Courier will be following this investigation closely and will continue to provide weekly updates as this mind-boggling story unfolds. {Editors' note: After much trouble tracking She-Who Tracks, a resourceful citizen who wishes to remain anonymous successfully located our MIA reporter along the banks of the Mohawk River. The information on She's whereabouts was cleverly bought with wampum pay offs to certain woodland lurkers. We wish to thank our anonymous citizen for her courageous and costly efforts by awarding her a 6 month subscription to The Courier, a wampum belt relating the story of the Three Little Piggies Scandal, and the title "Gale of A Thousand Trails." }
EERIE SIGHTINGS HAUNT MOHICANLAND Recent claims of ghostly sightings by several citizens of Mohicanland has led to mass hysteria of ghastly proportions that threatens to rival Welles' War of the Worlds. Though The Courier can not verify these alledged incidents, the hot nature of these claims warrants the printing of the following letter. We caution all readers, however, that we do not endorse these allegations. In fact, we don't believe a word of it. They are printed here solely for the purpose of whetting the public's insatiable appetite for sensationalistic 'news' and appeasing the "dreamers." It is our journalistic obligation to point out that none of the shady characters who provide us with gossip and scoops has seen even one of these aberrant souls. It may well be that these "sightings" are a hoax, perhaps orchestrated by members of the Uncas/Alice Fan Fiction Club. Could be a scam. We will continue to update any developments. Could Uncas and Alice be alive? *******
" I am Katherine Stands-By-Her-Claims the Editor in Chief of the Aiken City Gazette in Aiken City, South Carolina. I am writing to you because I believe that what I am about to tell you will be of interest. In the not too distant past my newspaper received several letters which prompted me to do a little research which included watching Michael Mann's The Last of the Mohicans (both the pan and scan as well as the letterbox version) and read James Fenimore Cooper's Leatherstocking Tales. Furthur research via the Internet on the subject of Last Of The Mohicans led me to find out about your Mohican Press Web page as well as the Courier. When I found you I knew that I needed to write. What seems like many moons ago, a letter was sent to my office at the Aiken City Gazette which read: To the Editor of the Aiken City Gazette: Katherine Stands-By-Her-Claims Please post this ad in the Classifieds section of your newspaper: Wanted: Any information about my past. I was found at the base of the Chimney Rock Cliff with gashes to my chest and arms, deep wounds in my side and a nasty wound on my head as a result of having struck my head against a large rock. My rescuers said that I had the name of Alice on my lips and continued to whisper and voice her name all throughout my recovery. I do not remember anything about what happened nor about my past. If anyone has any information about my past, the events that led me to be in such a wounded state at the base of a cliff, or about Alice and her whereabouts, please reply to A Native John Buck. Signed John Buck Then I received another letter to be placed in the Classifieds. This ad read: Wanted: Any information about my past. I was found at the bottom of Chimney Rock Cliff with a nasty head wound. I was in a coma for 2 months and now have amnesia about my past and what happened. My rescuers told me that there was a wounded young man lying beside me at the base of the cliff and that he was rescued by some other people. All the information I have is what my rescuers have told me. They tell me that the first thing I said when I awoke from my coma was the name Uncas. All I can sense is that Uncas is somehow significant to me. Since that time I only remember some very vague details. If anyone has any more information, please contact Woman with Inner-Strength. And I received another: Wanted: Any information about Uncas: The-Alice-Whisperer or his whereabouts. He came into my life and saw past my girlish shy, quiet and seemingly frail exteriour. He connected with everything inside of me - heart, soul and strength. I would like to meet him again, thank him and perhaps fall in love with him again. I want him to see me as I am now, a woman with inner strength. I am who I am now because he believed in me. If anyone has any information about Uncas: The-Alice-Whisperer or his whereabouts Please contact Alice: A Woman with Inner-Strength. Then I received this: Strong-Silent-type man seeks Strong-Silent-type woman to connect heart to heart, soul to soul, strength to strength with. Reply even if you have the appearance of being a shy and quiet girl for if you are the one I am looking for, I will be able to see the woman with inner strength that you really are. Reply to The-Alice-Whisperer. It was at this point that I began to search literary and film sources for the names Uncas and Alice, then search the Internet for any occurences of those names. Please read my story and consider publishing it in your paper. I was at one time skeptical about the veracity of these letters since both in the movie and the novel Uncas and Alice die at the end (I recognize that in the book Cora and Alice's roles are reversed). Letters have started arriving at my office here at the Aiken City Gazette reporting Uncas sightings with details of when and where. These people are pillars of the community and would not invent untrue stories. I am now even more inclined to believe the veracity of these letters. I have changed my mind. I believe Uncas and Alice are still alive. Perhaps they may not fully remember their past or what happened, but they are alive. That is why I write to you. I hope and pray that Uncas and Alice have found each other and have gotten back together. I would be so grateful if you would publish this true story in your newspaper. Sincerely, Katherine Stands-By-Her-Claims {The Courier will stay with this tale of two sightings, uncovering every last rock, breaking every snappy twig, and staking out all the local haunts in order that we may find the truth about the alledged Uncas/Alice apparitions. Two of our very best sleuths, Rebecca Holmes and Marcia Marple, have been sent to Mohicanland and are already tracking the facts. We will update all info.}
CRAZED FAN FICTION GROUP PLOT OVERTHROW OF LOTM An aggressive revisionist movement has taken root in Mohicanland, throwing the colony into a bloody civil war. Wreaking havoc up and down the frontier, members of the despicable organizations are determined to destroy all that is good and factual in Mohicanland. In a daring act of terrorism, crazed rebel fans of certain LOTM action figures have been plotting an overthrow of Cooper's/Mann's work by sabotaging the known facts and engaging in character assassination. They are pitting LOTM characters against one another and attempting to rewrite the classic frontier story. This madness is sweeping across Mohicanland with ruthless fury, catching unsuspecting Mohicaan loyalists in the crossfire. "It's madness I tell you!" exclaimed a visibly unnerved citizen E. Lane. "Next they'll be saying Hawkeye was just leading Cora on in a shameless attempt to bring down the English Crown" added Miss Marcia. The conflict first arose over disputes regarding the emotional status of Alice Munro and her relationship with the Mohicaan prince Uncas. It quickly escalated into mud slinging and name calling that would have made even Samuel Clemens blush for shame. Thus far, we've witnessed the treacherous Magua being heralded as the hero ... his procurement of the world renowned criminal defense attorney Can-tuck-ee Victoria to argue his case... Hawkeye accused of cowardliness ... English citizenry held responsible for Mohawk aggression against the Huron ... bad boy Magua excused for his cruelty by way of his "victim status" ... Hawkeye pitted against his only brother Uncas ... Goodwife Alexandria's reputation being sullied ... Cora pitted against her only sister Alice ... the feint that the faint of heart, semi-comatose, shock shelled, traumatized, 'is anyone home?' Alice possesses a hidden strength, visible only to the naked eye of Uncas, that threatens to surface and displace Cora as the true heroine ... Uncas being touted as a brilliant philosopher and psychotherapist... a crude contest to declare the true bad *ss of the frontier wilderness ... Dutch traders claiming tribal affiliation with the Mohicaans via the Natty family ties ... Rip Van Winkle being declared a member of the Bumppo/Poe family ... suicide advocacy groups ... claims that Miss Marcia has more than a passing interest in the welfare of Hawkeye ... lost children in the wilderness known as Hansel & Gretel Day-Lewis... transatlantic grave robbing ... Don Quixote giving the Dutch devils their due while battling a windmill ... an ugly smear campaign against the lovely and logical word 'subtle' ... and the mad Hutters resurfacing as Hawkeye's long lost cousins. As the war rages on, Mohicanland citizens are declaring their alliances and preparing for battle. Miss Marcia, ever on the look out for high drama, has even emulated the late Col. Travis of San Antonio by drawing a line in the sand. "Who will stand with me on the side of truth?" cried the founder of D.O.P.E.S. ( Dramatically Observant Perceptive Enlightened Souls). While many loyalists citizens tossed in their tricorns with the Dopers, the rival group stood up to be counted. Jaycee, organizer for the rebel cause and founder of the Foo-Foo Freedom Fighters From Left Field (FFFFFLF) held out a whiteish colored cloth and called for a parley. Claiming, along with Katherine-Stakes-Claim, that all claims to Alice's frailty are not written in stone, she proceeded to call upon Alice's inner strength to avert war. Miss Marcia responded by spitting on the whiteish colored cloth and telling the Foo-Foos to "clam up and stop clamoring for their bogus claim stakes!" Jaycee ex-claimed, "I will fight no more forever!" It is doubted that she will honor the agreement, even if Col. Munro would. As tension mounted, Scot O. stepped in to the arena to pro-claim himself "Alice's guy." The Foo-Foo Fighters offered a round of applause while the Dopers offered sarcastic jibes. "Don't do it, Scot. O! She'll drag you down!" ... "Yeah right! That Alice, she's to die for!" ... "She's only a child. You'll go to jail!" ... "Haven't you heard? Alice doesn't live here anymore. She's down yonder!" At that point, a patient of Dr. Mary's caused a timely diversion by lighting firecrackers at the line in the sand. Everyone scattered and the stand off was defused, ironically. As each army headed to their camp, the patient was overheard saying, "Having let them go, which I must, I fear I will only have to fight these same men again. Ha ha!" The demented patient was later identified as Dr. Mary herself. The war rages on ... people suffer, children go hungry, crops wither, fiction writers make a killing, gun control advocates are shot in their beds with their own muskets, and headache powder sales soar. We will continue to report on this Fooey madness.
Local Happenings Students from Reverend Wheelock's school took a field trip to local battlefield sites last week. Besides the reverend, there were two adult chaperones along for the ride, Soldier #2 and Steve Meany. Along the route, the two LOTM soldiers pointed out areas of interest and told amusing tales of their experiences. When Soldier #2 offered a graphic description of his most brutal death, Reverend Wheelock shut him up. Chastising the redcoat for his poor judgment, the reverend paddled the soldier 50 times and made him sit in the back of the wagon with his mouth taped shut. The children had fun, especially enjoying the Massacre Valley State Militia Battlefield. Here they were allowed to re-enact their own battle sequences, though they were ordered to avoid stepping on "Michael's wildflowers." The only serious injury occurred when one student got carried away with the excitement and landed several real tomahawk blows on the head and shoulder of his "opponent." The wounded person, Steve Meany, was treated at a local Mohicanland hospital for "deep lacerations, loss of blood, and a fractured skull." He is expected to live longer. There was a change in the day's itinerary as a result of an unscheduled stop. As the wagon passed a nearly burned out, crumbling structure in the vicinity of the Cliffs, the reverend mistook it for the ruins of Fort William Henry. After examining the ash covered wreckage and allowing the children to explore for awhile, a gruesome discovery was made. Amidst the rubble, graffitti, and garbage was found what appeared to be the skeletal remains of a dead person. The students were quickly gathered and removed to a safe distance while Militia officials examined the scene. It was at that time the reverend was made aware of his error. This was not Fort William Henry, but the remains of the Bunk House. It is believed that the body was that of a missing woman from Huronia. Rumors have spread that it is Magua's ex-wife, though this has not been confirmed. Militia officials are questioning the Gathering attendees who stayed at the Bunk House. "They are all suspects at this time" said a Militia Official. Aside from that business, the students had a grand time.~~~~~~~ Miss Mary will be holding a lecture at the Mohicanland Rest Home this Friday evening. Her presentation is entitled "Strengthening Your Mohicaan Relationships." Her key instructional topics include Doing That Freude Thang, How To Keep Your Man Happy In The Cabin, Ten Mohicaan Tips To A Better Union, Huron Hairstyles Guaranteed To Get Attention, Bear Grease And Other Creative Toys, and Letting Go Of Your Colonial Mores. Refreshments will be served and free samples of bear grease will be distributed. The adult public is invited to attend the presentation. Minors, Shweigerrites, and deviants will not be admitted.~~~~~~~ Mr. Garrison Killer, of Lake Woebegone fame, recently vacationed in Mohicanland. When not strangling sentries posted along Mohicanland's turbulent borders, Mr. Killer relaxed and took in the sites. The native northerner was reportedly very impressed with Mohicanland's gorgeous landscape, especially the many wonderous vistas that overlooked the mountainous terrain. "I love it here," said Mr. Killer, "It is more deeply stirring to my blood than a grape shot wound. You people deserve a motto. Let's see... Mohicanland ... where the women are strong, the men are home cooking, and the children are snatched from the fields." It is hard to predict whether or not the catchy motto will catch on but many seemed to like it. Before departing, Mr. Killer was honored by being given the keys to both the lock-house and Bumppo's Tavern. He thanked everyone for a great time and apologized for the loss of both garrisons.~~~~~~~ Miss Marcia of the Mohicanland Welcoming Committee held another lovely luncheon last week in honor of the latest immigrants to Mohicanland. Her guest list was very large but Miss Marcia rose to the occasion and provided a well planned, stellar menu. "It's an astronomical gastronomical affair," joked the hostess. "There have been so many new arrivals that I realized that in Mohicanland, the sky's the limit!" Taking her cue from her own amusing observation, Miss Marcia created a solar centered theme for the affair. The dining area was decorated like the night sky with planets, stars, and constellations suspended from the ceiling. Tables were decorated with Irish linens depicting Zodiac symbols and each had a vase of asters and cosmos. The menu included Moon Pies, Star Cookies, Celestial Teas, Turkish Taffy, Heavenly Hash, Sauteed Gemini Crickets, Mama's Out Of This World Meatloaf Surprise, Chocolate Devilcake, Hemlock Salad, and Rum. Everyone enjoyed the afternoon and thanked Miss Marcia for the star studded event. No explanation was given, however, when one guest asked why there were some missing planets in the ceiling solar mobile.~~~~~~~ A strange phenomena has hit Mohicanland. According to Militia Officials, there has been a surge of females who identify themselves as "Schweiggerites" running about the trails of Mohicanland carrying signs which read, "Uncas Lives!" Officials are baffled by the behavior of the "Schweiggerites" and have yet to make any sense out of it. "We do not know what is happening here," stated one concerned Militiaman. "It's madness." In addition to the placard push, the Schweiggerites have been trashing our frontier hero Hawkeye's reputation, flooding Mohicanland's pony express with bulk mailings about some guy named Eric, and vandalizing local businesses with graffitti images of Uncas holding his arms up in a victory sign. Apparently, these Uncas devotees feel very strongly about their leader and have engaged in several brawls with Hawkeye people. In an effort to head off an ugly war, Mohicanland officials have scheduled a town meeting at which the opposing groups can engage in a civil debate about heroes. One avid Hawkeye person called the Schweiggerites "rabid dreamers" and "mad women" and promised to present conclusive evidence at the debate that "Uncas is a dead duck." The Schweiggerites are planning a rebuttal by bringing in a witness named Alice Strong. The chosen mediator for the event is Mrs. Mary Long Carabine, well known for her objective neutral positions. The public is encouraged to attend the debate and express their views on this hot issue.~~~~~~~ A benefit pot luck supper is to be held on Sunday at the CRP pavilion. The event has been organized by the Frontier Females Freedom Fighters to aid victims of Mohicanland's Civil War. As most citizens are aware, the war was brought on by the rebel Foo-Foo Fighters and Fan Fiction factions. Many families have suffered untold hardships as a result of the skirmishes and battles. A few have even lost family members, casualties of the war. FFFF founder, Fearless Can-Tuck-ee Victoria, requests that the public bring items that can be donated to relieve the burden on the many Mohicanland families who are in dire need of assistance. She recommends food, clothing, blankets, muskets, black powder, tomahawks, rum, trade items (including captives), rope, Madiera, land deeds, and lots of wampum. Plan to arrive early for a live performance by Miss Mary of her hit song "Finger Lickin' Mohicaan Blues."~~~~~~~ A scandal came to light last week after some local citizens exchanged words and bumps at Bumppo's Tavern. According to eyewitnesses, the hostilities began when a patron walked up to Doctor Mary, who was having a few drinks with the courting Huron Sachem, and tossed a hot toddy on her lap. The surprised coaster Mary jumped up, "Hey! What gives?" The assailant then snarled at the Huron Sachem, turned his back toward the puzzled suitor, and said, "Remember me, Doctor Mary? Hmmm? Uncle Wiscone? I thought we had an arrangement." The ever rebounding doctor replied, " Uncle Wiscone! How ya' doin'? Say, you're not mad because I stood you up are you? Come on, Uncle, lighten up!" The Huron Sachem then stood up and asked Uncle Wiscone to "please remove your ugly Mohawk carcass from my space." Sensing the tension and hostility, Dr. Mary suggested that Uncle Wiscone go home, cool off, and wait for her call. After grabbing whatever food was on the table, he left the premises. Dr. Mary then let out a chuckle and said," Yeah right! I'll call you ... when your bank account grows!" The Huron Sachem got a kick out of this and decided it was time to propose. However, the mood was spoiled when yet another patron came over and demanded to know what had happened to Ching. Dr. Mary knew this could be sticky so she tried to buy the guy a drink. "No deal, you black widow! Where's Ching? The last we saw him he was heading up Table Rock Mountain with you. What did you do with him? Did you push him, Dr. Mary?!!" The Huron Sachem was annoyed with this latest interruption so he stood up slowly, motioned to seven strapping savage Hurons who were sitting in the corner, and said, "Taz you will." With that, the seven Hurons formed a gauntlet and pushed the pesky one down the line, beating, kicking, punching, and slashing as he stumbled toward Bumppo's door. The Huron Sachem asked his date who that "pesky white guy" was. Gulping her rum, she mumbled something about Ching's banker. Everything quieted down after that, though Militia Officials arrived a bit later to question Dr. Mary about the disappearance of Ching. After some tough questioning and a few beers, the Militia Officials said, "You'll have to come with us, Ma'am. We have a few more questions we need to ask and some facts we need to clear up." The Doctor went along happily, blowing kisses to the Huron Sachem and telling him, "Not to worry, Sachie-poo, they're just hypersensitive about the Last Mohican!" No word has yet been received on the investigation surrounding the sudden disappearance of Hawkeye's adopted daddy. The Courier will keep readers informed.~~~~~~~ A new business has opened in Mohicanland. The world renowned and highly feared Criminal Defense Attorney Can-Tuck-ee Victoria has opened an office in downtown Mohicanland, right next to the office of Attorney Sidney of Schuylerville. A creative sign in red and black hangs above her door which reads; "VICTORY BY VICTORIA ... ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE!" Below the sign is a plaque listing Victoria's credentials and the boast; "Got Troubles? Bad Rep? Let Me Make You A Hero! I've Never Lost A Case Yet!" Rumor has it that Magua, the warrior's warrior, has fronted the money for Victoria's shoppe as payment for a blood debt..~~~~~~~ A memorial service was held last week for the late Miss Anne T. The annoying spinster died suddenly, though not subtly, following an acute attack of mental depression which was ignored by Dr. Mary. The service was officiated over by Reverend Wheelock. In his eulogy he said, "We are gathered here today to celebrate the passing of Miss Anne T. I am particularly pleased to send her off as she bequeathed to my fine school the sum of 500 shillings." Someone then yelled, "Praise de lawd! The wicked b*tch is dead!" Though not confirmed, it is believed the emotional outburst came from Dr. Mary. Following the 2 minute service, the dearly departed was tossed underground and the dear celebrants departed for Bumppo's Tavern. "A toast to Annie!" cried the reverend as he ran to his buggy.~~~~~~~ Militia Blotter Several missing persons reports were filed in Mohicanland's make-shift court house this past week. Among the names of lost souls are Chingachgook, Magua's Ex-wife, Carol, Colonial Joe, Unidentified Schweiggerites, Jo's Horse, Natty Bumppo, She-Who-Tracks La Longue Carabine, New Romancer, Soldier #1, Anastasia, Bored Girl Scout, Uncle Wiscone, Mr. Zeares, The Sweet Sweetser Sisters, Several Unidentified Enemies Of E. Lane and Dr. Mary, Chingachgook's Banker, and Hansel & Gretel Day-Lewis. She-Who-Tracks has since been located. The whereabouts of the others remains a mystery. If anyone has any info on these persons, please contact Militia Officials.~~~~~~~ Gaylee Cooper was arrested last week for illegally trespassing on private property owned by Her Majesty, The Queen, Eliza Beth. Caught while attempting to scale a two-foot fence, the accused protested her arrest and the lack of dignity afforded her by the British Guards. "I have a right to know what is going on behind these walls!" yelled the irate Miss Cooper. "If queenie there thinks she can get away with stealing the Colony of York, weeeeelll! She's got another thing coming!" The British Guards ignored her speech and hauled Gaylee's backside to the paddy wagon and drove her to the nearest lock-up facility. We understand she has hired Sidney of Schuylerville to represent her and has entered a plea of "Howsever, your honor, I'm not guilty!" Gaylee is scheduled to appear in Mohicanland's make-shift court house some time soon.
Wise Words Of Wisdom For The Week: If you see a person in need, extort whatever you can before you offer assistance.
THE POETRY CORNER
THE FOO-FOO FOLLY Cooper penned his leather tales, Michael Mann approved them. Why would Foo-Foos tell new tales, Spreading lies to rue them? Dopers of the world, unite! Stop this Fooey nonsense! Force these girls to get it right, Or revoke their artists' license. (Thanks to the Dopers for this poetic submission.)
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