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richfed
Sachem
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 13 2002
Status: offline
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 Posted - September 04 2010 : 12:54:09 PM
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Not meant for sympathy; not to be confused with whining; we all have our own personal trials and tribulations; this is just an update on mine ...
Back in March of 2004, I made the greatest mistake of my life ... walking out on my family. I have spent much of the past 6 and a half years trying to undo that - to no avail. Those of you present at the 2004 Mohican Gathering may remember my emotional state - I'm quite sure Theresa does; I think I spoke with her about it more than anyone. Well, overall, it hasn't improved all that much, even after all this time. I've had my moments, but, all-in-all, I am no longer the same person ...
I have tried ... begging, crying, Priests, therapists, medication ... again, all to no avail. Tried to shed the burden - the guilt - but I just don't seem capable of it. Sometimes, I feel like I've gotten so used to feeling this way that I am actually more comfortable with it. It's my new normal. 
Anyway, it's been a long haul, and probably because of the mental/emotional upheaval and stress - not to mention getting older - my health has deteriorated. I've been depressed, my blood pressure has risen, I've always had high cholesterol, I developed acid reflux [since corrected by surgery], I have suffered from anxiety [one time a few years ago, I awoke with a panic attack in the middle of the night - at 2AM, I was aimlessly driving around the streets of Marion] and insomnia ... quite a mess.
Over the past few months, I began to develop noticeable changes in my mental state ... particularly, in the beginning, in late afternoons and evenings, though it become more general. I would feel mild confusion, some apparent memory loss -- stuff we all experience; you know, how many times do you forget where you put something, can't get the right word out, or say, "I'm losing my mind!"? We all do ... I know I sure have many times ... but, this was different. It was [is] more frequent and pronounced. I mean, I REALLY thought I might be losing my mind. Dementia came to mind. It was a physical feeling, too. At times, I'd feel a general pressure in my head and a cool, almost menthol-type tingling in my skull. I talked to my doctor and she immediately had me come in.
After an hour and a half consultation and exam - including neurological and memory tests [which I aced] - she determined that my symptoms were most likely caused by sleep deprivation exacerbated by chronic stress. That was 2 or 3 weeks ago. I had a previously scheduled yearly physical set-up with her for next Friday, so she prescribed 4 weeks of Ambien CR - enough to take me to my next appointment - to see if sleep would lesson the problem. No effect the first few days - though I WAS sleeping - but then it began to make me feel better. Last week was probably the best I've felt in a very long time - until yesterday. Increased stress over various issues caused me to fall back into that foggy, confused state. Kind of like the difference between driving on an open road on a beautiful, clear day, and driving on city streets in a downpour. So, I don't know ...
Meanwhile, my doctor set me up with a high contrast brain MRI. I was pretty certain that there was going to be something there that they'd see ... a tumor, signs of a stroke, white mass, something ... to my relief, it was completely normal - though the procedure itself is akin to mild torture!  I had an MRI on my heart about 10 months ago [murmer issue], but that wasn't nearly as intimidating.
So, that is where I stand right now ... I am off all week and have a few doctor appointments scheduled, including one with a shrink. The latter is mainly to eliminate or confirm that my physical feelings are the result of stress. My regular doctor is going to follow up with a neurologist and possibly a brain function test, whatever that is.
Sachem is a mess ...
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BookwormMG
Deerslayer
USA
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August 12 2009
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Posted - September 04 2010 : 4:24:41 PM
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| I'm very sorry to hear that you're experiencing such misery, Rich. Perhaps over time the Ambien will help and you'll have mostly good days instead of the opposite. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. |
"Glory, glory, hallelujah, welcome to the future!" -- Brad Paisley |
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Monadnock Guide
Council of Elders
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
March 14 2005
Status: offline
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Posted - September 04 2010 : 5:01:33 PM
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| Obviously no quick solution Rich, - but in seeing those doctors you're taking the right approach. At least you're not trying find find the answer in a bar somewhere, - stay the course. With your interest in history, maybe joining a "local" (city/state) historical group, much like a hobby, would take your mind off "other things". |
you can keep "The Change" |
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Seamus
Guardian of Heaven's Gate
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 19 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - September 04 2010 : 6:46:05 PM
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I'm here, Sachem.....you know how to reach me, should you need an ear or shoulder....
Don't be afraid to holler. Anytime. Mohicanland is full of friends........Use us. PMs are good, or straight personal emails. I'll send my phone numbers off Board for you, too.
Prayers and good thoughts going up for you............. |
Life's journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally worn out, shouting
'...holy sh*t ...what a ride!'
~~Mavis Leyrer, Seattle
Seamus
~~Aim small, hit the b*****d right between the eyes!~~ |
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Stephanie
Gathering Sachemess
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
June 23 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - September 05 2010 : 10:14:32 AM
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| So sorry to hear of your troubles, Sachem, and I hope they can figure out a solution for you. (((hugs))) |
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Wilderness Woman
Watcher of the Wood
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
November 27 2002
Status: offline
Donating Member |
Posted - September 05 2010 : 11:44:36 AM
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I'll add my thoughts and well-wishes, too. Rich, I am sorry to hear of your ongoing difficulties, and I am certainly glad to hear that all of your tests have come back as normal. It never ceases to amaze me how much our emotions and stresses can affect our minds and bodies.
If I may add a touch of humor to this serious discussion, and please don't think I am trying to make light of these issues. I'm definitely not! Believe me. As I was reading your list of symptoms and experiences, the thought popped into my head that so many of them sounded so familiar. Then I realized that I knew what your diagnosis is. You, my friend, are going through.... Menopause!
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that the visit with the psychiatrist will provide some answers for you, and that it will set you on the road to physical and mental well-being. Please do keep us posted.
Btw, have you considered yoga and meditation/prayer? |
"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been." |
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Gadget Girl
Gatherer of Gathering Gadgets
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 17 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - September 05 2010 : 1:07:24 PM
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It breaks my heart to hear you are having such a rough time, Rich! Your SMILE (like you throw at us when you see an old friend after a long time) is one of my favorite things in the world! I am sorry you don't feel much joy these days. I wish I could send you a great big bottle of forgiveness to be applied liberally to all concerned, including you forgiving yourself. I wonder if Doc Mary has any on hand????
HUGS from me to you! We love you and SO hope you find some peace as soon as may be!
GG  |
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Seamus
Guardian of Heaven's Gate
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 19 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - September 05 2010 : 3:27:51 PM
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| Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh.....WW, it's "Manopause"..........in this case! |
Life's journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally worn out, shouting
'...holy sh*t ...what a ride!'
~~Mavis Leyrer, Seattle
Seamus
~~Aim small, hit the b*****d right between the eyes!~~ |
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richfed
Sachem
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 13 2002
Status: offline
Administrator |
Posted - September 05 2010 : 7:21:53 PM
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| I shall surely bring this diagnosis up to the doctor ... sounds right to me! |
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Stephanie
Gathering Sachemess
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
June 23 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - September 05 2010 : 8:51:48 PM
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| I have to agree with WW's suggestion of yoga... |
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Christina
Deerslayer
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 27 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - September 08 2010 : 11:33:15 PM
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Rich --
So sorry to hear what you have been going through. I have not been around for a while but was sorry to see this when I dropped in from the ether.
I have been where you are, my friend, down to the panic attacks and the sleepless nights, when I was working in a job that nearly put me over the edge several years ago and in the recent years dealing with dad's health problems. It is truly mind-boggling what effect our emotions can have on our physical well-being. You are doing the right thing in seeking out doctors and therapists. I hope you will find some rest and comfort in the coming days and get back to the smiling "Sachem" we have all come to love. I will also suggest yoga as a wonderful help...
You are in my thoughts and prayers for a return of well-being and peace!
Christina |
See this face? This is the face of a woman on the edge.
Whoopi Goldberg, "Jumping Jack Flash"
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richfed
Sachem
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 13 2002
Status: offline
Administrator |
Posted - September 09 2010 : 08:55:02 AM
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Thanks, Red ... One more trip to the doctor tomorrow.
As far as mental/emotional help, it is difficult finding the right person who can see you in off-hours. Around here, anyway ... |
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Theresa
Bumppo's Tavern Proprietress
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 17 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - September 09 2010 : 3:59:42 PM
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| Hey my friend...I certainly do remember the conversations we had during the 2004 Gathering. I am so sorry that things are so bad for you. I will lift you up in prayer every single day during my quiet devotion time I spend with God. Of course, you know that He has already forgiven you. Guilt is a human condition and gets in our way of seeing and experiencing the important things. Feel free to email or PM at any time. Love you! |
Theresa |
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shadawick
Colonial Settler
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
August 19 2009
Status: offline
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Posted - September 10 2010 : 10:01:13 AM
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Rich,
I am sorry to hear of your difficulties. I have been down almost that same road a few years back and can truly relate. I wish there was a quick and easy solution or something that you can take twice a day and everything be like peaches and cream. In truth for me, there was no such magic potion. With me it took help from several directions:
1. Self effort. You have to become pro-active and force yourself sometime to do things you think unpleasant or don't want to do.
2. Mental health professionals. I know here in NC, there are a shortage of counseling centers and professionals. I found it better for me to travel a short distance and talk with counselors "outside," my home town, for more then one reason!
3. Medications. I found they can help "prepare," you for your journey, and make the process or progress easier and therefore more likely to be successful. Unfortunately, a lot of people become dependent on them and think that is all that's necessary. Oftentimes adding a "New," variable and compounding their issues. I personally however wanted to only use the minimum necessary meds to start with and as progress was made, to "wean," off them completely if possible and ONLY under the strict close supervision of a health care professional!!!!
4. Good friends. Sadly, I found out that I had a lot more acquaintances then friends. Up until that time I really did not understand or appreciate the difference!
5. And most importantly for me, I returned to my religious faith.
As to the Religious aspect, I won't try and advise you on that since it's a personal decision. As for me, I came to the conclusion that I had "strayed," from my Christian beliefs and upraising and the "prodigal son," had to return.
I still have days of uncertainty and occasional feelings of depression, anxiety and even confusion. On those days, I take a moment, concentrate on and thank God for my blessings instead of concentrating on the negatives. I am linking to a song. "Praise You In This Storm," sung by my son Jimmy. When I need a little help, I listen to the words of this song and it really helps me. I will hold you in my prayers. Hope you enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opyBBsj_xHM |
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richfed
Sachem
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 13 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - September 26 2010 : 10:07:34 AM
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Thank you, Shadawick --- good advice - all ...
I charmed my way into getting a counselor to see me once a month ... there was a good connection there and I wanted to pursue it. That might help me vent a bit.
Meanwhile, I have that brain function test ... actually a memory assessment ... scheduled for Friday, October 8. It's an all-day - supposedly exhausting and comprehensive, study. Between that and the MRI [negative] I ought to know if there is ANYTHING physical causing this. I suspect not - it's probably physical symptoms brought on my emotional stuff ... but I realy don't know yet.
My prelimanary evaluation has me diagnosed with major chronic depression and PTSD [brought on by my own actions] ...
I don't even know why I am sharing this with you ... |
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Wilderness Woman
Watcher of the Wood
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
November 27 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - September 26 2010 : 10:11:58 AM
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Because when one is feeling as crappy as you have been, one just has the need to share with people who care.
And you know that we all care.
Please do keep us posted. |
"It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any imaginings could possibly have been." |
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caitlin
Bumppos Tavern Patron
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 17 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - September 26 2010 : 10:17:22 AM
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| Yes, we all do! |
Jack McCall: "Should we shake hands or something, relieve the atmosphere. I mean how stupid do you think I am?"
Wild Bill Hickok: "I don't know, I just met you."
"A nation with no regard to it's past will have little future worth remembering."
A.Lincoln
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize that they were the big things"
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shadawick
Colonial Settler
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
August 19 2009
Status: offline
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Posted - September 27 2010 : 5:41:57 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by richfed
Thank you, Shadawick --- good advice - all ...
I charmed my way into getting a counselor to see me once a month ... there was a good connection there and I wanted to pursue it. That might help me vent a bit.
Meanwhile, I have that brain function test ... actually a memory assessment ... scheduled for Friday, October 8. It's an all-day - supposedly exhausting and comprehensive, study. Between that and the MRI [negative] I ought to know if there is ANYTHING physical causing this. I suspect not - it's probably physical symptoms brought on my emotional stuff ... but I really don't know yet.
My preliminary evaluation has me diagnosed with major chronic depression and PTSD [brought on by my own actions] ...
I don't even know why I am sharing this with you ...
Hi Rich, glad to see you reply to my post!
You said, "I don't even know why I am sharing this with you," well it would be my guess that you are at a point where you are finally ready to reach out and open up. We all eventually arrive at that point. With me it was simply easier to relate to and speak honestly and openly with someone from out of my area, who had not previously known me, nor I them. Don't give it a second thought your sharing your evaluations, as for me, it was everything you said plus obsessive compulsive disorder and agoraphobia! Guess I got my monies worth with that session!!!! I am probably the closest forum member living near you, feel free to email me and we will talk anytime you feel like if. Rich, your on the right road, just keep on trucking! Best of luck and I'll keep you in my daily prayers!
Jim |
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Obediah
Mohicanland Statesman
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
August 16 2006
Status: offline
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Posted - October 03 2010 : 9:38:40 PM
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| Since I haven't been around these parts in many a moon, it was very shocking to read your original post...you'll definitely be on our prayer list. I see that all the responses give a lot of great ideas to combat this. |
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richfed
Sachem
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 13 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - October 09 2010 : 10:16:23 AM
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Completed my test yesterday and will now have to wait a couple of weeks for the results. I don't know if any of you have ever experienced one of these testing sessions. Very weird. Interview and then rapid-fire series of assorted tests customized for the patient [me], gaging memory, spatial perceptions, anxiety levels and who knows what else. It all end with a battery of 325, or so, questions making you think about unpleasant realities. Then, it's, "Thanks for coming" and off you go. After 7 hours ...
Glad it's over. |
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shadawick
Colonial Settler
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
August 19 2009
Status: offline
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Posted - October 09 2010 : 10:49:53 AM
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Hi Rich,
I'm glad your through that!
I had something similar back in 97. It really made me wonder how accurate and/or helpful it really is, I mean, they throw so much stuff and after a while I was kinda bewildered and seemed to more or less throw an answer back. After a while you start feeling so overwhelmed that it sort of becomes a matter of survival and getting through the thing, more then it being a helpful diagnostic tool! Hang in there friend you've got a lot of caring people pulling for you! |
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richfed
Sachem
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 13 2002
Status: offline
Administrator |
Posted - October 12 2010 : 06:52:35 AM
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Like a ton of bricks it hit me. Right after I finished posting a couple of things here on Saturday morning, there was a knock on the door. It was a sheriff's deputy habding over a notice of foreclosure. Not my kids' residence [yet - hopefully never], but the home I currently live in, owned by a friend - a hardworker all her life who lost her job due to closing and then was striken with MS back in March. I am crushed - for her. She just doesn't deserve this. As for me, I tried my damnest to prevent it, but it's too much on my salary. I don't know what happens next for me. It's just one thing after another and it is getting very tough ...
I am going to stop posting here, in this thread for sure ... it just gets depressing for me. Sure ain't the shit you all come here to read. Sorry ... see you when I do. |
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Seamus
Guardian of Heaven's Gate
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 19 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - October 12 2010 : 07:59:42 AM
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Sachem,
I am deeply grieved to hear this news. You do need this, nor deserve it, nor does your friend, but please, don't shut us out. We all love you here and we are your support. I am sure we all share your sorrow and are here for you. Please do not shut us out. Go to PM's if you want, but, remember.....we are here, and you are our leader.
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Life's journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally worn out, shouting
'...holy sh*t ...what a ride!'
~~Mavis Leyrer, Seattle
Seamus
~~Aim small, hit the b*****d right between the eyes!~~ |
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Monadnock Guide
Council of Elders
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
March 14 2005
Status: offline
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Posted - October 12 2010 : 08:12:40 AM
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| Rich, ... Please rethink your decision to stop posting. As you know I'm sure, decisions made under a lot of stress are often quite different from our normal thoughts. Keep posting my friend, ... for yourself, and everyone else. |
you can keep "The Change" |
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winglo
Deerslayer
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
July 13 2007
Status: offline
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Posted - October 12 2010 : 12:49:34 PM
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| What can I say, Rich? You're in my prayers. |
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Theresa
Bumppo's Tavern Proprietress
USA
Bumppo's Patron since [at least]:
May 17 2002
Status: offline
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Posted - October 12 2010 : 9:46:49 PM
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| Rich, know you are not alone in this world. There are those of us here who love you and care deeply about you. Please reconsider the posting...if not publicly, then PM's perhaps. This is not the time to shut your friends out of your life. Prayers for you my friend...prayers. |
Theresa |
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